The hate criminal’s action has infected every aspect of my life. I have severe depression. I have a lack of interest in doing anything. I’m not eating well. I’m not sleeping well. I’ve tried to work out what’s inside of me through art, but it’s not helping.
I reported the hate crime to both the Office of Institutional Equity and the New Mexico State University campus police. I’ve filed reports with: FBI, ADL, Jewish on Campus. I’ve asked at my temple and I’ve asked the Chabad rabbi in Las Cruces; there is no Chabad or Hillel at NMSU. I made a safety plan and discussed the details of my plan with the campus police. I’ve incorporated the suggestion made by campus police into my safety plan. I’m armed at all times when I’m on campus. There has been no arrest and I don’t expect there ever will be an arrest.
I’ve done all the stuff one is supposed to do if one is the recipient of a hate crime. I am not a victim of a hate crime, I’m the recipient of a hate crime. This vile individual does not get to turn me into a victim. I’m alone. I’m afraid. I’m severely depressed. How long does this crap last? When does the emotional impact end? I’ve been a criminal defense attorney for 29 years and I’m utterly unprepared to be the recipient of a hate crime. I’m aware there are victim assistance programs run by local police and the district attorney’s office. They will accompany me to court….except there has been no arrest. They will help me file for a domestic order of protection, except there is no domestic violence and this hate crime did not include violence. They will refer me to the local sexual assault crisis center, except there has been no sexual assault. There is no antisemitism crisis center although there should be.
And so I double up on my antidepressant dose. I cry. I feel frozen. I make weird art.
I don’t know what I will do with the designs I’ve been working on. Print them on fabric? Figure out how to translate them into a painting? Figure out how to turn the designs into stencils?
All I know is I don’t know how to make it stop hurting.
My online shop, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://WWW.DebThumanArt.com
My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman
Deb's Art 