Complex PTSD is pretty depressing. C-PTSD and depression together and are bone numbing. C-PTSD comes from a series of traumas over a period of time when there’s no hope of escape. Translation: child abuse causes C-PTSD.
I’ve been working my way through the Mindbloom series on depression. Mindbloom is ketamine at home with support from Mindbloom clinicians and guides.
For years, I felt nothing when I had a flashback. I longed to feel now what I felt when the child abuse was happening. Then, the flashbacks allowed me to see the horror of what I lived through. Then, the flashbacks arrived with the same emotions I felt at the time of the child abuse.
I have a theory about flashbacks. At the time of the trauma, the part of our brain that is for self preservation blocks the overwhelming emotions that happen at the time of the trauma. Then, when our brains know we are ready, we have flashbacks. Flashbacks are part of healing. One day, being tired of the flashbacks, I decided to look at the flashback I was having, acknowledge what happened was horrible, and the flashback sunk down and never returned. That’s the secret to flashbacks. Look at them. Acknowledge them. They lose their power.
The flashbacks I’m having now are part of the healing and recovery process. I no longer have the repeating nightmares. I don’t remember when I had the last one. The flashbacks are no longer debilitating. But 51 years after leaving a toxic home, I’m still having flashbacks. I doubt I will ever be free of the flashbacks.
We watched a movie the other night. I had no reason to think this movie would trigger flashbacks. But it did. One brief scene and so much of the crap from my childhood came rushing through my brain. I’m starting to see the refusal of the adults who lied to me acknowledge their lies, the adults who beat the crap out of me and refused to admit they did anything wrong, and when I finally got the courage to disclose the abuse, the adults refused to believe me and blamed me for getting beaten – all of that was truly horrible. There’s some fierce pissed off just behind that realization. The thought of all that pissed off coming out is scary. But it has to come out. I will never be free until the fury comes out of me.
Deb's Art 