cPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s harder to treat than regular PTSD. It comes from repeated trauma over a period of time. People who survive child abuse frequently have cPTSD. That’s how I got it. I survived 16 years of child abuse followed by 18 years of adult abuse. The abuse ended when I removed my violent drunken, narcissistic mother from my life.
When the debilitating flashbacks started in 1972, there was no PTSD diagnosis. 10 years later when I realized I had PTSD, there was no cPTSD diagnosis. I’ve wandered through healing mostly by myself. One day, I was so tired of flashbacks that I decided to look at the flashback and acknowledge it. To my shock, the flashback dissolved and that particular one hasn’t come back. I’ve looked at and acknowledged flashbacks ever since.
I have a theory about PTSD. At the time of trauma, your brain, in order to survive the trauma, shuts down. Finally, when you’re able to process the trauma, your brain lets you remember. Flashbacks are a sign of healing.
I don’t know how I got the repeating nightmares to stop, but I don’t remember when I had the last one.
The flashbacks are still happening although they are no longer debilitating. I can’t run from my triggers because I can’t see the triggers coming. For instance, I’ll be watching TV and a character will say something that suddenly triggers a flashback. Today, I watched a music video, and it triggered a flashback.
For years, I had flashbacks, but no emotion to go with them. I must have felt something at the time the abuse was happening. Eventually, I had flashbacks and could comprehend the horror of what happened. Recently, the flashbacks have been accompanied by the emotions I felt at the time of abuse. Now I know why I buried the emotions.
In February, I discovered that there were companies that offered at-home ketamine treatments. I’ve had a ketamine infusion and it instantly killed the depression. I searched the internet and found Mindbloom. https://www.mindbloom.com/
At home ketamine is a much lower dose than an infusion. No magical mystery tour complete with hallucinations. More like my mind wandering. Gradually, I found myself having emotions to coordinate with the flashbacks. I’m not having fun, but I know this is part of healing.
Last week, the ketamine session triggered …. I’m not sure what. I found myself thinking about astronomy in the way I thought about biology when I was in college and would lie awake nights trying to figure out how water crossed the cell membrane. I found myself wondering what caused the Big Bang. Where did electrons and protons come from? I felt the beauty of science. No matter how much is discovered, there are still so many more questions that don’t yet have answers.
I’ve no idea what that means.
Maybe it means I’m finally going to be free.
Deb's Art 