Posted in bipolar disorder, Depression, PTSD

Depression is Pretty Depressing

Complex PTSD is pretty depressing. C-PTSD and depression together and are bone numbing. C-PTSD comes from a series of traumas over a period of time when there’s no hope of escape. Translation: child abuse causes C-PTSD.

I’ve been working my way through the Mindbloom series on depression. Mindbloom is ketamine at home with support from Mindbloom clinicians and guides.

For years, I felt nothing when I had a flashback. I longed to feel now what I felt when the child abuse was happening. Then, the flashbacks allowed me to see the horror of what I lived through. Then, the flashbacks arrived with the same emotions I felt at the time of the child abuse.

I have a theory about flashbacks. At the time of the trauma, the part of our brain that is for self preservation blocks the overwhelming emotions that happen at the time of the trauma. Then, when our brains know we are ready, we have flashbacks. Flashbacks are part of healing. One day, being tired of the flashbacks, I decided to look at the flashback I was having, acknowledge what happened was horrible, and the flashback sunk down and never returned. That’s the secret to flashbacks. Look at them. Acknowledge them. They lose their power.

The flashbacks I’m having now are part of the healing and recovery process. I no longer have the repeating nightmares. I don’t remember when I had the last one. The flashbacks are no longer debilitating. But 51 years after leaving a toxic home, I’m still having flashbacks. I doubt I will ever be free of the flashbacks.

We watched a movie the other night. I had no reason to think this movie would trigger flashbacks. But it did. One brief scene and so much of the crap from my childhood came rushing through my brain. I’m starting to see the refusal of the adults who lied to me acknowledge their lies, the adults who beat the crap out of me and refused to admit they did anything wrong, and when I finally got the courage to disclose the abuse, the adults refused to believe me and blamed me for getting beaten – all of that was truly horrible. There’s some fierce pissed off just behind that realization. The thought of all that pissed off coming out is scary. But it has to come out. I will never be free until the fury comes out of me.

Posted in Uncategorized

Shooting Star Magic

I saw a shooting star last night.

There used to be magic in the night sky. For thousands of years, people invented legends about the night sky. The stars formed pictures. The dark side of the moon was unknown and dark.

When I was little, we would sit on the front porch in the summer and wonder about the night sky. My grandmother would look for the Soviet satellite sputnik.

Starkle starkle little twink, who the hell you are I think. I don’t know the rest of the words.

The moon is made of green cheese. The Man in the Moon. How did he get such huge acne scars? Maybe the moon is hollow. That’s why we have to make the moon a nuke free zone. Maybe the moon is a huge ball of dust and to walk on the moon is to sink into the dust.

VISTA Volunteers In Service To America. These photos – of poverty and hunger – were taken in the same country as the country that took these photos – of the moon. It’s a commercial I remember more than 50 years later. There was no money for decent health care. There was no money for food. There was no money for decent shelter. There were unlimited funds for a cold war race to the moon.

Then, on July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong forever banished the magic. The moon is solid. The moon is made of the same stuff as the earth. The dark side of the moon isn’t always dark and we know what it looks like. The acne scars were caused by meteors crashing into the moon.

Stars don’t shoot. Meteors float around in space. When the earth passes through an area of meteors, some of the meteors burn up into the atmosphere. The light lasts a few seconds and then the meteor is burnt up.

We have knowledge. Lots and lots of knowledge. Each bit of knowledge destroys a bit of magic.

I miss the magic. That’s why I didn’t see a meteor, I saw a shooting star.

That’s why I painted a green cheese moon.

Posted in Sewing

Cargo Pockets

If I ever decide to make cargo pockets again, someone stop me!

I wanted shorts with cargo pockets. I’ve got a Green Pepper Pattern for cargo pants. I thought I could just take the pocket pattern piece from that pattern and use it for cargo pockets on my shorts. I’ve been sewing 59 years and I couldn’t understand the directions. I decided to draft my own cargo pocket. Just a simple patch pocket with a pleat in the center. I drafted a pattern for the pocket flap.

I sewed the shorts together leaving the inseam open. I thought that would give me plenty of room. It didn’t. If there’s a next time, I’ll sew the side seams, but put the pockets on before sewing the center seam.

I think I want the pocket wider, but I’ll need to wear the shorts to know for sure. The point of having cargo pockets is so I’ll have someplace handy to put treats for Brady.

Update: I’ve worn the bra for several hours and it’s comfortable. I’ve ordered a no band pattern from Pin Up Girls. I’m hoping the two patterns, both Pin Up Girls patterns,, can be fit the same.

My store, Deb Thuman Art, is at http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is at: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: https://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com/

Posted in PTSD

Ketamine and cPTSD

cPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s harder to treat than regular PTSD. It comes from repeated trauma over a period of time. People who survive child abuse frequently have cPTSD. That’s how I got it. I survived 16 years of child abuse followed by 18 years of adult abuse. The abuse ended when I removed my violent drunken, narcissistic mother from my life.

When the debilitating flashbacks started in 1972, there was no PTSD diagnosis. 10 years later when I realized I had PTSD, there was no cPTSD diagnosis. I’ve wandered through healing mostly by myself. One day, I was so tired of flashbacks that I decided to look at the flashback and acknowledge it. To my shock, the flashback dissolved and that particular one hasn’t come back. I’ve looked at and acknowledged flashbacks ever since.

I have a theory about PTSD. At the time of trauma, your brain, in order to survive the trauma, shuts down. Finally, when you’re able to process the trauma, your brain lets you remember. Flashbacks are a sign of healing.

I don’t know how I got the repeating nightmares to stop, but I don’t remember when I had the last one.

The flashbacks are still happening although they are no longer debilitating. I can’t run from my triggers because I can’t see the triggers coming. For instance, I’ll be watching TV and a character will say something that suddenly triggers a flashback. Today, I watched a music video, and it triggered a flashback.

For years, I had flashbacks, but no emotion to go with them. I must have felt something at the time the abuse was happening. Eventually, I had flashbacks and could comprehend the horror of what happened. Recently, the flashbacks have been accompanied by the emotions I felt at the time of abuse. Now I know why I buried the emotions.

In February, I discovered that there were companies that offered at-home ketamine treatments. I’ve had a ketamine infusion and it instantly killed the depression. I searched the internet and found Mindbloom. https://www.mindbloom.com/

At home ketamine is a much lower dose than an infusion. No magical mystery tour complete with hallucinations. More like my mind wandering. Gradually, I found myself having emotions to coordinate with the flashbacks. I’m not having fun, but I know this is part of healing.

Last week, the ketamine session triggered …. I’m not sure what. I found myself thinking about astronomy in the way I thought about biology when I was in college and would lie awake nights trying to figure out how water crossed the cell membrane. I found myself wondering what caused the Big Bang. Where did electrons and protons come from? I felt the beauty of science. No matter how much is discovered, there are still so many more questions that don’t yet have answers.

I’ve no idea what that means.

Maybe it means I’m finally going to be free.

Posted in Sewing

This Shouldn’t Be This Difficult

All I want is a bra that’s pretty, fits, doesn’t poke me, and the straps stay up. I had no idea how hard it would be to achieve that.

I stopped counting the number of bras I made so I could tweak the fit at 7 bras. It’s too depressing to count higher than that. Cups too big. Cups too small. Bridge too narrow. I have a copy of The Bra Makers Manual and kept checking to see what I was doing wrong. I came across instructions on how to turn a back closure bra into a front closure bra. And so I followed the directions, increased the width of the bridge, and tried again to have a bra that fits. Being discouraged from all the attempts that didn’t fit, I was in no hurry to finish this bra. I’m pretty sure another failure would be the last attempt.  

I wanted to line the bra so I wouldn’t have raw seams. A friend was downsizing and sent me all of her sheer fabric. I thought one of the sheers would be perfect for lining the bra. It wasn’t. I had a horrible time sewing the parts together in sheer fabric. The threads pulled and gathered the seams. I switched to hand basting. When it came time to attach the channel for the under wire, I attempted to tack the lining to the bra cups. Except the sheers had gathered enough that I couldn’t. I had already sewn the lining to the edges of the bra and attached the elastic to the bottom of the band. The only option was to cut the lining out. And so I did.

I attached the under wire channel and inserted the under wire and discovered I had cut the channel too short.  I had to add about an inch of channel to one end on each cup.

I bought hooks and eyes for the front closure and wondered why anyone would buy hook and eye tape. When I was sewing the hooks and eyes to the bra, I discovered why. Sewing individual hooks and eyes is a PITA.

I attached the straps to the back of the bra and pinned the other end of the straps to the front of the bra. I attempted to put the bra on. It was too small and wouldn’t stretch. I wondered what I did wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. In order to sew the elastic to the power net without stretching the power net, I put a strip of water-soluble stabilizer behind the power net. I hadn’t washed out the stabilizer, and the stabilizer was keeping the power net from stretching. At the moment, the bra is on the line drying.

My online store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: https://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com/

Posted in Uncategorized

We Are Covered With Innocent Blood

My grandmother was a diehard republican. According to my grandmother, there was never a bad republican nor a good democrat. She would invent stupid reasons for not voting for democrats – like refusing to vote for Michael Dukaksis because he was too short to be president.

When I was little, it was my grandmother’s mission to raise a good, republican granddaughter. One day, she showed me the front page of the newspaper, pointed to a photo of Eisenhower, and asked me who that was. “Krushchev!” said I. She gave up.

Only once did she agree with a democrat – Truman dropping nuclear bombs on innocent Japanese citizens.

Only once did she criticize a republican – she was furious that Bush I went to Hirohito’s funeral.

Even as a little kid, I knew dropping nuclear weapons on people was morally wrong. Mine is the first generation to grow up with The Bomb. I had nightmares about dropping hydrogen bombs and burning skeletons.

78 years ago today, the United States committed the despicable act of dripping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Rather than repent, we dropped another atomic bomb on Nagasaki. Rather than repent, we built more bombs and tested them above ground thereby poisoning land, water, animals and people.

Today is the 78th anniversary of our national shame.

Posted in Uncategorized

Stupid, Short Sighted Politicians Owned By The Oil Companies

What bothers me about the push towards total electricity is politicians overlook so much. 

We have to mine stuff for batteries. How do we do that without horrible pollution and poison water? At the moment, we’re poising pristine small islands and countries to get the stuff we need for batteries. Just because we aren’t living with the damage we’re causing doesn’t mean there’s no damage. Just because the damage isn’t happening in the US doesn’t mean it’s okay to damage other places. If you want an idea of how much damage mining does, take a look at West Virginia. Read about the Buffalo Creek disaster. Read about blowing off mountain tops to mine coal. Look at Pennsylvania where you own the surface of land but not what’s underneath. Why is that a problem? Because the coal companies mine under your house, and you are SOL if the mine caves in and what’s left of your house is a mile below the surface. There’s quite a bit of case law on subsidence and every time the courts sided with the coal companies. 

Batteries don’t live forever. What do we do with the dead batteries? 

Electricity doesn’t grow on trees. How are we going to generate all this extra electricity? We’ve got an electric grid that can’t handle electric use now. 

Exchange gas appliances for electric. What are we going to do with all the dead appliances? Why should I spend money to replace perfectly good appliances? I had the 21-year-old a/c units replaced only because the ones we had were close to dead. I have a perfectly good gas dryer and perfectly good gas stove. I’ll replace them when they die but not before. 

It takes 30-40 minutes to fully charge an electric car at a charging station. And what am I supposed to do for that 30-40 minutes? Worse, what am I supposed to do while I wait for the people ahead of me to charge their cars? 

This business about saving gas money is false. Electricity isn’t free.

 Plug the car in at home? Great. Wait 10-12 hours for the car to charge. Yes, you can buy home charging stations. That’s not an option for me. We’d have to run a special electric line 10 miles from Las Cruces to Dona Ana. That’s a major expense because the electric company charges by the foot for the line and the installation. The electricity still isn’t free. 

Electric vehicles don’t have much of a rang unless the car is a sub-compact. NM has a whole lot of middle of nowhere and very few charging stations. While I’ve always looked for great gas mileage and am content to drive a small car, I also need something practical. Brady has to ride in a crate and that crate won’t fit in the Mini. It barely fits in the Elantra. When I have to use a walker, I have to drag it with me when I go somewhere. Getting the walker in and out of the trunk of the Elantra is a fight. I never thought I’d buy something the size of the Santa Fe, but I need a vehicle that size. The electric Santa Fe – which cost $10K more than what I paid for my Santa Fe  – has a range of 30 miles. My 2021 Santa Fe has the same gas mileage as my 2016 Elantra. Plus, we only buy a new car when the car we have is dead. The Camry lived for 17 years and had 280k+ miles on it when it became too expensive and impractical to fix.  We don’t sell the old car when we get a new one. We send the old car to the junk yard. 

Why are we letting oil companies frack the crap out of the Permian Basin if we’re pushing to go total electric? Why are we letting oil companies put in more and more wells in the Permian Basin if we’re pushing to go total electric? If we care about climate change, why are we letting oil companies release way more methane than allowed? More to the point, why are we letting them release any methane? 

I’ve lived in a total electric house. It’s unbelievably expensive. In Lockport, we had one bill for gas and electric and our total electric house had zoned heating – a thermostat for each room. Even with solar panels on the house, it was too expensive to have a warm house. How expensive? I’ve never had an electric bill here that was as high as what we paid in Lockport and I’m living in a house twice the size of what we had in Lockport.  When we put in a ceramic log burning gas stove, our bill dropped $150. And the stove had only been in for about half of the billing cycle. We installed it in February – the coldest month of the winter. The high temp is about 10 degrees and there’s a 60 mph wind blowing across a frozen Lake Erie. The lake typically has 200 square miles of ice in the winter. Instead of a cold house, the gas stove let me have a warm house. Electricity is only cheap if you don’t use any. And where did that electricity come from? A brand new coal fired generating station that’s now obsolete and offline.

Cold weather drains batteries at an incredibly fast rate. Anyone who has ever done outdoor photography in the winter knows that. And it doesn’t have to get all that cold before the batteries drain at warp speed. Rapid draining starts at about 35F. Those electric vehicles are close to useless in the north east for about 6 months out of the year. 

My issue isn’t with electricity. My issue is with not thinking through what’s needed and how we get what’s needed and what we do with the dead batteries. 

A better approach would be to push for hybrid vehicles. Less gas used, but no need to wonder where the nearest charging station is or to be stuck with a travel range of 30 miles. A better approach is to push for solar electricity. Make it so solar panels are affordable. We did get a price for solar panels on our house, but it was horribly expensive, more than $20K. Solar panel companies regularly go out of business and then you’re stuck with a system that can’t be fixed if it breaks. And they do break. Been there, done that. Refuse to issue any more drilling permits and permanently revoke every drilling permit for any oil company that releases more than the allowable amount of methane.

Posted in bipolar disorder, Service Dog

Invisible

Not all disabilities are visible.

Except for extreme stupidity. Extreme stupidity is usually easy to spot. Attorneys have to sit through seminars in order to keep their licenses. I sat through one about emotional support dogs.  Although emotional support dogs don’t have the access rights that service dogs have, they have more access rights than Fido the Family Pet. Aside from the fact the attorney giving the presentation gave advice that would ensure a landlord would be sued for discrimination, the attorney said that if presented with a letter from a doctor attesting to a person’s disability and you don’t see a disability, the letter is a fake.  Just because you can’t see my disability doesn’t mean I don’t have a disability. I left a scathing review in which I thanked the presenter for teaching people how to discriminate against me.

Is it a real service dog? Or a fake? There is no certification for service dogs although fake certification certificates are sold on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Certificate-Presentation-Customized-Information-Registration/dp/B08DBYX3L1/ref=sr_1_6?crid=1ZW5KG0CEOKDV&keywords=service+dog+certification&qid=1690921545&sprefix=service+dog+certification%2Caps%2C180&sr=8-6

Jim was at physical therapy yesterday. A couple with a small dog came in. The man was getting physical therapy while the woman and the small dog waited. The dog was wearing a vest and was labeled “service dog.” The dog was jumping up and down and playing with the physical therapist.  Fake service dog? Or dog that needs a whole lot more training? Service dogs in training have the same access rights in New Mexico as fully-trained service dogs although service dogs in training should have a label stating service dog in training on the dog’s vest. Neither service dogs nor service dogs in training are required by law to have labels on their vests or even wear a vest.

Amazon also sells patches proclaiming access cannot be denied. https://www.amazon.com/Required-Exceptions-Harnesses-Embroidered-Fastener/dp/B07QPYBZF1/ref=sr_1_5?crid=SF67N733YTQM&keywords=service+dog+access&qid=1690922771&sprefix=service+dog+access%2Caps%2C181&sr=8-5  

That’s not accurate. Although Brady can accompany me in the emergency room, be with me in the psych ward, and be with me in a regular hospital room, she cannot accompany me into the operating room. A service dog can almost never be denied access to a public place, but access can be denied for health and safety reasons.

People who don’t have service dogs don’t understand service dogs. Although most people are familiar with guide dogs for people who are blind or visually impaired and service dogs trained to help veterans who have PTSD, many people have no idea what else a service dog can be trained to do. Dogs have an incredible sense of smell. Dogs can smell changes in glucose levels and service dogs are trained to alert a diabetic human if the glucose level is too high or too low. Dogs can smell mood swings and can be trained to alert the bipolar human when a mood swing starts. Dogs can smell an impending seizure and are trained to alert humans with seizure disorders when they are about to have a seizure. Dogs have been trained to assist people who are autistic, have anxiety and panic disorders, and a whole lot of stuff I haven’t thought of.

Brady is my service dog in training.

She knows when I’m having a rough day, and gets distressed when she can’t figure out what to do to help me. We start that training later this week. I’ve been giving her new experiences such as taking her to a fabric shop she had never visited. We went to the post office when I knew it wasn’t crowded. She has gone with me to see my chiropractor although that wasn’t particularly successful. Brady monitored the door and barked when a patient came in. We’re now working on keeping her from monitoring the door This is done by having her face away from the door and preferably face a corner. There’s a homeless man who frequents our favorite Starbucks. For some reason, she barks at him although she doesn’t bark at other homeless people. We went to Starbucks on a day when the outside temp was 108. Way too hot to sit outside. The only free chair was next to the homeless man. Brady ignored him and faced into the corner. I was both thrilled and relieved. As expected, her training isn’t going in a straight line. She’s ahead of where we think she is in some respects and behind in some other respects.

Do you know the proper etiquette for behavior towards service dogs? I’m discovering many people don’t. Never distract a service dog. Do not talk to a service dog. Do not make eye contact with a service dog. Do not pet a service dog. Distracting a service dog can be deadly for the service dog’s human.

Although there are days when I don’t feel like interacting with people, I have to force myself to remember that any person accompanied by a dog in a public place is going to be asked two questions that ought to be answered: What kind of dog is that? Where did you get your dog? Then I have to force myself to give a polite answer.

My online store, Deb Thuman Art, featuring really cool, deluxe dog bandanas is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com