I had a massive depressive episode on 2/19/21. I had to go up on my med dosages in order to be able to stop crying. After three days, I had to return to my usual dosages because I was becoming a zombie. That led to another massive depressive episode on Thursday. After making sure Jim could drive me to my appointments on Friday, I went back up on the dosages. Friday morning, I had to force myself to take my meds. I knew I was over medicated, but I thought if I didn’t continue on the higher dosage, I wouldn’t be able to stop crying. I was incapable of driving. I couldn’t understand the instructions for filling out the forms for sending something certified mail, return receipt requested. I tried to read about the latest upgrade to Affinity Photo, but I couldn’t understand anything that I read. My brain did not work. Frustrating and terrifying.
On Friday, I met with the anesthesiologist at a local pain clinic that uses ketamine. I can’t live like a zombie. I need my brain. I can’t function if I can’t stop crying. I went back to my usual dosages today. My appointment for using ketamine is in two weeks. I may have to spend the next two weeks crying. Already, and it has been less than 12 hours, I’m irritable and unable to control myself.
I wanted to try working on a quilt today. The theory was I’d feel better if I made some art. Except I couldn’t. I was measuring different widths for a border. I think I found a width that works, but I don’t trust myself to be able to cut strips the right length and width. So much for working on a quilt.
I tried to do a little photography thinking that would cheer me up. It probably would have if Affinity weren’t the absolute worst photo editing program. Turns out a whole lot of people are having the problem I’m having with this latest upgrade – I can’t save a photo to the desktop or anywhere else and I can’t export a photo to the desktop or anywhere else. I sent an email to “customer service” but I don’t expect an answer back from them in less than a month. I tried looking for YouTube videos to explain how to save and export in the latest version. No luck. The Affinity videos are confusing and overly complicated. Just tell me how I can export the photos to my desktop like I’ve been doing for the last several years. There are lots of questions about this lack of ability to export or save on the forum, but no answers. Any company that offers real customer service, with people whose native language is English, who don’t try to hide the fact that I’m calling someplace in India, is going to be wildly successful and profitable. Apparently customer service is now on part with quality control. Not much of either.
I tried doing a bit of experimenting with deliberate motion.
I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com
My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com
My Spoonflower shop with all my fabric designs is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman
Deb's Art 
I’m so sorry. I’m depressed and anxious, too. Going through divorce after leaving my husband of 52 years of marriage. Just couldn’t take any more of his controlling and bullying. He continues to bully and harass me even though the court has told him not to communicate. He has drained our bank accounts even though the court ruled not to touch our finances. He stopped paying for his life insurance with me as beneficiary even though the court ruled not to touch our insurance. He mailed long letters to everyone in our family and our friends telling them how I ruined his life and he wished he’d left me 30 years ago so he could have had a happy life. Not once since I left did he ask me how was I doing, where was I, was I OK? He cut me off from my cell phone service, email service, after reading all my texts and emails between myself and my kids and my lawyer. He hacked into my emails again and hacked into my Facebook and Classmates websites. I changed all my email addresses and passwords. He still hacked me. I had to call my server directly to get them to block him. My sons put security cameras on my rental home. Just thinking about him throws me into a tizzy and I can’t think or focus. I cry and wander the house. No one wants to listen to me whine any more, even my therapist. I’m maxed out on meds. He locked me out of our home after I left with a week’s worth of clothes and my cat. He “allowed” me to have a few pieces of furniture after his lawyer advised him that the court would not look favorably on him if he continued to keep me from having anything. He kept my sewing and embroidery machine and cabinet because he knows that’s what I love to do. He kept all my art I’ve collected. He won’t allow me on our property. He’s threatened to keep everything that I hold dear. In our state, the judge just divides property 50-50, without regard to emotional abuse or who did what. I don’t know what I might or might not get. I just want to never see him again. I have to pay him spousal support because I have more income than he does. He’s blown every cent he ever earned. I’m the only one who ever managed to save anything by sneaking it into my work retirement plan and deferred compensation plan, but the court says I have to give him half of everything. He spent every dime and took all I earned, and now he’s taking what I have left. He has taken everything and left me empty. No one understands how deep depression holds on and doesn’t let go. No one wants to listen any more. They say, “get over it.” “It’s going to be over soon.” Depression does not go away. It doesn’t let me function. I understand you. I can’t even figure out how to set my clock when the power goes out.
The directions are too complicated.
Hold on, I am Hugging You.
Ginny
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Please see an attorney. There are legal ways to stop him and his demands that he keep everything could effect the amount of spousal support you have to pay. If you can’t afford a private attorney, contact legal aid.
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Hang in there, Deb. I have a friend who’s been using Spravato/esketamine with success. Regarding quilting – maybe some scraps that can turn into a charity quilt or pillow instead of a more important project? Take care…
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Deb—Keep fighting the darkness. Your hurting, but strong. And, obviously smart to get needed help. I hope this passes quickly to you can get back to the things you love. I’m sorry you are going thru this. M
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