Posted in bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Knitting, Photography, Quilts

Climbing Up Into The Light

Posted on by debthumanblog

I started the free motion quilting on a quilt last week. I had all sorts of problems with the thread breaking. I cleaned the machine, which I do every time I sew. I rethreaded the machine. I adjusted the tension. I’m using King Tut thread and I was told that thread is a touch thicker than regular thread and I need to use a topstitch needle with it. I’m using a Klasse 90/14 topstitch needle which is what Superior Threads recommends on their website for quilting with King Tut thread. I watched a video from Pfaff about free motion quilting on the Quilt Expressions 4.2. I searched the manual for any hints. The tension is adjusted properly. I’ve got the machine set for the free motion quilt foot. I’m using a Pfaff foot. I’ve unthreaded the machine, cleaned the machine, put a new needle in the machine, rethreaded. That’s supposed to solve almost all problems and if it doesn’t solve the problem, it won’t make the problem worse. I switched to a regular foot, regular straight stitch, and gave that a test run on the quilt. Works fine, no problems. I give up. I’ve written to Superior Threads and asked what I’m doing wrong.

This is a manipulated photo of a sandhill crane on one of my trips to Bosque del Apache. I had Spoonflower print the photo on cotton. Maybe I’ll play with different quilting in different parts of the sky. I’m not about to rip out all that free motion quilting. I don’t see well enough to be able to do that. I meet with an ophthalmologist to discuss cataract surgery later this month.

I sold one of my designs in Spoonflower. This was the first time anyone had one of my designs printed on wallpaper. My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I’ve been working on knitting tube socks using some interesting variegated yarn. Once I figure out how to take decent shots of the socks, I’ll put them in my store, Deb Thuman Art, http://www.DebThumanArt.com I chose tube socks because I don’t need to know how long the customer’s foot is which is what I’d need to know if I were putting heels in these socks. With hand-knit socks, the part that wears out first is the heel.

With other variegated yarns, the color changes are more frequent. This is Lion Mandala yarn and the color changes are far less frequent. I’m assuming I’m not the only person who loves funky socks. And if I am, because they are tube socks, they will fit my feet and I’ll happily wear out 11 pairs of tube socks.

I’m still having problems with depression. I can take a double dose of antidepressant and be fine for a day, but the next day I have to drop back down to my regular dose or I’ll be walking into walls. I have my first ketamine infusion on Tuesday. If it does nothing for my depression, at least I’ll have been able to enjoy the hallucinations. I grew up in the ’60s and never did drugs. Not even pot. Now, I have a medical marijuana card, THC infused chocolate in the refrigerator, and I’m about to embark of a magical mystery tour. I never thought my life would be like this. Becoming a geriatric pothead and taking hallucination-inducing drugs wasn’t on my list of life goals.

March 5 was the nine-year anniversary of finally having an accurate diagnosis – bipolar disorder. I knew from representing clients charged with assorted crimes that I would have considerable misery unless I accepted my diagnosis. Which I did. Right after I stopped crying. Suddenly, my life made sense. Finally, there was an explanation for why antidepressants alone were not solving the problem. I’m on an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. I discovered I’m a nice person. I discovered I can be happy. It only took 35 years to get an accurate diagnosis and two psychiatrists missed my diagnosis. It’s not as if bipolar disorder were difficult to spot. My experience with psychiatrists is that they don’t listen. Instead, they grab a prescription pad and proceed to overmedicate me. That’s why I refuse to see a psychiatrist.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Photography

Still In Crisis

Posted on by debthumanblog

I had a massive depressive episode on 2/19/21. I had to go up on my med dosages in order to be able to stop crying. After three days, I had to return to my usual dosages because I was becoming a zombie. That led to another massive depressive episode on Thursday. After making sure Jim could drive me to my appointments on Friday, I went back up on the dosages. Friday morning, I had to force myself to take my meds. I knew I was over medicated, but I thought if I didn’t continue on the higher dosage, I wouldn’t be able to stop crying. I was incapable of driving. I couldn’t understand the instructions for filling out the forms for sending something certified mail, return receipt requested. I tried to read about the latest upgrade to Affinity Photo, but I couldn’t understand anything that I read. My brain did not work. Frustrating and terrifying.

On Friday, I met with the anesthesiologist at a local pain clinic that uses ketamine. I can’t live like a zombie. I need my brain. I can’t function if I can’t stop crying. I went back to my usual dosages today. My appointment for using ketamine is in two weeks. I may have to spend the next two weeks crying. Already, and it has been less than 12 hours, I’m irritable and unable to control myself.

I wanted to try working on a quilt today. The theory was I’d feel better if I made some art. Except I couldn’t. I was measuring different widths for a border. I think I found a width that works, but I don’t trust myself to be able to cut strips the right length and width. So much for working on a quilt.

I tried to do a little photography thinking that would cheer me up. It probably would have if Affinity weren’t the absolute worst photo editing program. Turns out a whole lot of people are having the problem I’m having with this latest upgrade – I can’t save a photo to the desktop or anywhere else and I can’t export a photo to the desktop or anywhere else. I sent an email to “customer service” but I don’t expect an answer back from them in less than a month. I tried looking for YouTube videos to explain how to save and export in the latest version. No luck. The Affinity videos are confusing and overly complicated. Just tell me how I can export the photos to my desktop like I’ve been doing for the last several years. There are lots of questions about this lack of ability to export or save on the forum, but no answers. Any company that offers real customer service, with people whose native language is English, who don’t try to hide the fact that I’m calling someplace in India, is going to be wildly successful and profitable. Apparently customer service is now on part with quality control. Not much of either.

I tried doing a bit of experimenting with deliberate motion.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop with all my fabric designs is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Uncategorized

It’s Dark And I Can’t Find The Light

Posted on by debthumanblog

Mental illness and a pandemic is a rough combination. I thought I was going to have to be hospitalized Friday. It was bad enough I had Jim call the HMO and the hospital. I watched a cooking show by one of my favorite chefs Saturday and my mood brightened…..then slowly sank. It’s hard to explain what happened. I started crying on Friday and could not stop. I added an extra mood stabilizer and doubled my antidepressant. My doctor knows I do this. The problem is finding a dose high enough to keep me stable yet low enough that I don’t turn into a zombie. This is common with psych meds. I still couldn’t stop crying. I don’t do well with customer service under the best of conditions and for some reason, the HMO won’t ever give me an accurate answer. They only give Jim an accurate answer. So Jim spent quality time on the phone with me telling him what to ask. 

To get to the only psych ward in the county, I’d have to go to the ER. If I have severe abdominal pain and I go to the ER, the copay is $250. If I have severe mental illness and go to the ER, the copay is $500. Plus there’s a $350 deductible that has to be paid. $850, and all that gets me is an expensive quick eval. But wait! I don’t get that until I have prior authorization from the HMO. Translated: make sure I know at least a month in advance if I’m going to be suicidal. Per the HMO, the hospital starts the prior authorization. If the HMO denies authorization, I’m stuck paying several thousand dollars out of pocket. I’m not suicidal, thank you God so I likely wouldn’t be admitted. We’re having a little covid crisis here. And a lack of vaccine. Plus, I’ve heard horror stories from my clients about treatment that’s clearly illegal and in some cases, a first degree felony (18 years in prison) when they’ve been hospitalized. Spouses have been denied any access to their loved one. Clients who have been severely overmedicated. Psychiatrist who, upon being told the med my client was taking wasn’t working, told my client she wouldn’t be let out of the hospital until she was med compliant. Ain’t no way anyone is going to let an attorney onto the psych ward. So I decided to save $850 and not go to the hospital. 

There’s a dedicated mental hospital in town, but ….you’ll love this… you can’t get admitted unless you have a mental illness and a chemical addiction or a mental illness and you’re a drunk. Plus what I know about that hospital is enough to convince me never to go there. For anything. A psychiatrist there, who hadn’t seen my client in years, wrote a deliberately inaccurate report designed to ensure my client couldn’t get into a psych ward anywhere in the state. You get to learn a whole lot about mental health mistreatment when you’re a criminal defense attorney and work for the public defender department. 

We have a psych triage center in town – adjacent to the jail – that was completed in 2013. It still hasn’t opened. Dust bunnies are treated there. The county manager, who no one should ever trust, is doing a sweetheart deal with a provider in Arizona. Someday, maybe, the contract will be approved. Then it will take time to hire staff. Or ship staff in from Arizona. What’s a sweetheart deal without kickbacks? 

There’s a decent psych ward in a teaching hospital in El Paso. That would be the same El Paso with the 10 refrigerator trucks acting as temporary morgues. I could go there, but I’d need prior authorization and an act of God to get the HMO to pay because if I go out of town for any medical care, I need prior authorization. If I went to the hospital in El Paso, I could have a foot long tube shoved down my throat to help me breath while I wait for covid to kill me. 

And so I’m researching ketamine therapy. There are a couple clinics in town, but I don’t know if they take my insurance. No, I don’t want to have to pay $15K+ for ketamine therapy. I looked at ECT (formerly electric shock treatment) and rejected that idea. It’s rare that it does any good for anyone; the side effects are horrendous and often permanent. I looked at transcranial magnetic stimulation. It may work for depression and chronic pain (no idea why it would work for both), but it’s a horrible choice for someone who is bipolar. As in it makes the bipolar disorder worse. Ketamine looks like it would be an effective choice for me. I can’t do anything until Monday, and I have my zoom session with my psychologist on Monday. Jim wants me to ask my psychologist about ketamine before I do anything. I’d buy ketamine on the street, but I don’t know where to get it and there’s no telling what you’re getting when you buy drugs on the street. 

I could get better medical care in a halfway decent Third World country.

I began the week with food poisoning. One day, there was the most interesting light outside. Ordinarily, I’d walk to the back of the yard and photograph the mountains. I got as far as the patio. 

I wanted more photos, but I didn’t have the energy to walk around. So I shot through the bathroom window. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Depression, Fiber, Photography

Depression. Cataracts. Quilts. Photography

Posted on by debthumanblog

I have cataracts and need the surgery. I can’t see close up. I’m having problems with distance. I can’t do much sewing. And I’m high risk. I’m extremely nearsighted – can’t see the E on the top of the eye chart. I also have issues with the retina in my right eye. I was told several years back that if I have cataract surgery, I have a 25% chance of the retina in my right eye detaching. And so the last couple days, I was severely depressed. I tried art therapy and went outside to do some photography. Except this time of year, the desert is brown and dead. 

These are new leaves on a Mexican bird of paradise bush.

I’m not sure if I like this shot. I had to remove a few offending twigs, and I can see where they used to be.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a seed pod.

Today, I discovered I can sew if I wear my computer glasses. At least I could finish the quilting on this one. I haven’t decided if I want landscape or portrait orientation. I also haven’t decided how much of the white border to keep. I don’t want binding to cover any of the quilting. This is a photo I took, manipulated, and has Spoonflower print. Because I wanted to turn this photo into a quilt, the design isn’t in my Spoonflower shop. Plenty of other designs are there, though. You will find them here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I didn’t notice that shadow until I started editing the photos.

I’m making progress on the depression quilt. I’ve figured out the fabric combination. Now, I need to figure out how wide a border I want.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber

Looking For Center And I Can’t See

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’ve known for years that I have cataracts. At my age, everyone has cataracts. I’ve also known for years that because edged of the retina in my right eye being glued down with a laser twice, I’m at a high risk for having that retina completely detach. Because I’m severely nearsighted, I can’t see the E on the top of the eye chart, cataract surgery is high risk for something going wrong surgery.  For years, my eye doctor has been tweaking my prescription so I could put off cataract surgery for as long as possible. I get to see well for a few months, than my vision gradually gets worse until after six months I can’t read street name signs and it’s harder to see close up. Naturally, my vision insurance will only pay for one eye exam a year, one pair of lenses a year, and a pair off cheap frames every other year. 

This week, I discovered I can no longer see close up for more than about 20 minutes. After that, whatever I’m looking at is a blur and everything I look at will be a blur for about a half hour. I’m having difficulty reading. E-mail. My text book. Anything where I can’t get the text size increased significantly. After much mis-information from my HMO, I had Jim call. For some reason, he gets accurate answers. I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist next month. Maybe there’s a way I can have the surgery I need without going blind. 

I had said I wasn’t going to have cataract surgery until I needed a dog. Last week, I sent in an application and deposit on a future Labradoodle puppy. The breeder thinks that she’ll have a litter ready for permanent homes in the fall. First, the doodle dog gets puppy training. Don’t pee on the rug. Don’t eat the furniture. The cats are not chew toys. And later, the doodle dog gets trained to be a psychiatric service dog for me. 

I can only sew for brief periods of time. I’m working on some echo quilting, and I had to stop. I know I’m not going to remember the settings on the sewing machine. So I used my phone to take a photo of the settings.

I’ve been battling depression lately, and I decided that if I can’t see to quilt, I can see to pick out fabric. Nothing really jumped out as the perfect combination, so I laid the possibilities on my sewing table yesterday. In another day or so, I’ll look at the selections again. Maybe one of the choices will be right.  

As for the depression, I’m above suicidal but well below center. I’ve had my psych meds tweaked and tweaked and tweaked. The ideal is to have a high enough dose that I stay stable, and a low enough dose to keep from being a zombie. I’m not screaming and I’m not suicidal, but I’d like to have more stability than that. 

Posted in bipolar disorder, Depression, Emotions, Suicide

Open The Door, Shut Your Mouth, and Listen

Posted on by debthumanblog

What I’d like to say: Listen you stupid motherfucker…… except that wouldn’t be productive. I offered to do a talk about suicide complete with a power point of my quilts about suicide. I got a return email saying that given the situation with covid, talking about suicide wouldn’t be a good idea but are there other quilts I’d like to talk about.

No, asshole – it would be a wonderful idea. New Mexico has the highest suicide rate in the country and part of the reason for that is no one wants to talk about suicide. Then they all crap their pants and wonder what went wrong when they have to bury a loved one who just blew his brains out. Someone I knew would likely be alive today if people had talked about suicide. If people admitted depression isn’t a moral failure. If people admitted asking for help isn’t indicative of weakness. It’s been two years since his suicide, and I’m still torn apart inside.

My quilts have been pretty dark the last three years. They have been about suicide, mass shooting, and isolation. Art is how I understand my dark emotions. None of my quilts are cheery topics. Life isn’t always cheery and anyone who expects life to be cheery is going to be disappointed. I rarely make pretty quilts. You want pretty? Go to Walmart. Lots of unoffensive, unthought provoking, sofa matching art there.

It isn’t easy being mentally ill. It’s even harder when people refuse to listen. But what do I know? I’m just the crazy woman and I need to be treated like a two-year-old. If I were smart, I wouldn’t be bipolar. Maybe the proper response really is: Listen you stupid motherfucker….

Posted in Fiber, Quilts, Suicide

Return to Sanity

Posted on by debthumanblog

I watched the inauguration on Wednesday. It was cold, and the women (and some men) wore coats that had the first button around waist level. That’s not a winter coat and it won’t keep anyone warm. Surely there’s a designer out there who can create a warm winter coat that’s also stylish. Bernie Sanders may have had the best idea, and the best mittens. He needed a hat, though.

There are two things Lady Gaga can do very well. She can make an entrance and can make an unsingable Star Spangled Banner sound beautiful. I loved her dress and the dove. Only Lady Gaga could hold her skirt up while walking down stairs, and still look fantastic.

J Lo, if you’re going to sing This Land is Your Land, sing all the verses. Especially the final verse:

Nobody living can ever stop me, 
As I go walking that freedom highway; 
Nobody living can ever make me turn back 
This land was made for you and me. 

Woody didn’t write songs to be pretty. He wrote songs to make a point which J Lo clearly missed.

Monday is the yahrzeit of the deputy who killed himself. This year is easier than last year, but it’s still a sad, confusing, emotional time for me. I’ve quilted about his suicide. I’ve written about his suicide. It still tears me apart.

This is the second quilt I made about his suicide. Only the bottom half is quilted. We know what happens when we are alive. We may have beliefs about what happens after we die, but we don’t know what happens.

I’ve been working on two other quilts.

I had a manipulated photo printed by Spoonflower. I’m quilting via machine around the circles, and that’s when I discovered the cataracts have gotten bad enough that I’m limited on what close work I can do. I can’t have cataract surgery because there’s a 25% chance of the retina in my right eye detaching. A souvenir from growing up in a house run by a violent, narcissistic drunk and her violent drunken husband. Once it’s safe to travel again, I’m going to have to start looking for someone who can do high risk cataract surgery.

This is a manipulated photo of a sandhill crane at Bosque del Apache. I had it printed by Spoonflower. I haven’t started to quilt it yet.

Looking for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift? Please visit my store, Deb Thuman Art here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Looking for wild fabric designs? My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Beads, Fiber, Jewelry, Quilts

Fighting The Strange Fight

Posted on by debthumanblog

I am fighting with quilt batting. Normally, I work with fat-quarter size quilts. This quilt is 30”x45” not huge, but bigger than I’m used to. Because I’m tired of fighting quilt sandwiches, I  bought fusible batting. The batting is large enough for a quilt for a queen-size bed. I had to unroll the batting, unfold  the batting, and try to cut out a piece the proper size. I tried working on the floor, but that didn’t work. I tried folding the batting so I could cut on the folded edges, but that didn’t work. For so long, I worked on dark, emotional quilts. Now, I have a chance to work on a happy quilt. This one is from one of my manipulated photos that I had printed. I need to make some happy art, and this batting is keeping me from doing that. 

I took some photos of jewelry I’ve made so I can put my latest jewelry in my store. Valentine’s Day is coming up and the mail service is still slow in some places. Order now to be sure your jewelry will arrive before Valentine’s Day. 

All of these are made from semi-precious gems.

Just listed in my store, Deb Thuman Art, http://wwwDebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Uncategorized

To the Republicans Who Want Me To Believe They Have Morals:

Posted on by debthumanblog

Precisely how stupid do you think I am? 

When the narcissistic sociopath mocked a reporter who has a disability, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath ripped children from parents’ arms, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath locked terrified children in cages and forced them to sleep on a concrete floor, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath bragged about being a sex offender, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath told lie after lie after lie, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath told people covid was fake news, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath told people to stop getting tested so the spread of covid would be slowed, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath told people to drink bleach and hand sanitizer, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath played golf while more than 300,000 people died, you said nothing. 

When the United States has approximately 25% of the covid cases in the world, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath appointed a woman who insisted on making rape on college campuses harder to prosecute as secretary of education, you said nothing. 

When the press secretary for the narcissistic sociopath stood in front of a room full of reporters and denied the Holocaust, you said nothing. 

When the narcissistic sociopath proceeded to dismantle the Environmental Protection Agency, you said nothing. 

Now you want me to believe you are outraged by the narcissistic sociopath inciting a riot? Your outrage comes only after you were confronted by a deranged, crazed, armed mob storming the Capitol Building. The building in which you work. When your personal safety was in jeopardy. 

I’m not stupid enough to believe you. 

You are covered with the same stink that has covered the narcissistic sociopath for the last four years. 

Posted in anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Emotions, Fiber, Psych meds, Quilts

Muted Colors

Posted on by debthumanblog

This week wasn’t easy for anyone watching news out of Washington DC. It’s less easy for someone with bipolar disorder. 

On Tuesday, I was severely depressed. I know why, but it’s not something I’m comfortable writing about. I took an extra antidepressant. My doctor knows I do this when the depression gets severe and I get close to being suicidal. 

On Wednesday, I made the mistake of watching some of the news about a mob storming the Capitol Building. Seeing the horror triggered severe mania and severe anxiety. Working on a quilt helped a bit. I considered taking an extra mood stabilizer but wasn’t sure if that would help. 

On Thursday, I was severely depressed after being rejected by a someone who breeds labradoodles. The breeder refuses to sell a puppy to someone who has never had a puppy. That’s like saying you can’t eat green beans because you’ve never eaten green beans. The plan was, work with a trainer on puppy training – don’t pee on the rug, don’t eat the furniture, the cats aren’t chew toys, how to walk on a leash – and when the dog is 18-24 months old, work with the trainer to train the dog to be a psychiatric service dog for me. I have adult cats and they’re not going to accept an adult dog. I think it would be far easier for them to accept a puppy – especially after learning the puppy won’t eat cat food. 

Today, I feel….kind of neutral. I don’t feel at center, but I also don’t feel manic or depressed. More like feeling subdued or like being a muted color. I don’t feel energy flows although I know energy flows exist. I see energy flows as colors. Today, muted colors. 

Rapid cycling is defined as four or more episodes within a year. I had three major episodes in three days. Maybe my energy is a muted color because I’ve had the emotional equivalent of running a three-day marathon.

I’m at another stopping point with the isolation quilt. I figured out I wanted to do wavy lines that echoed one another. Now, I’m left with bits of unquilted space. I was going to do meandering free motion quilting, but I forgot how to attach that foot to my machine. When frustration, mania, and anxiety reach terminal velocity, it’s time for me to take a break and do something else. I’m considering leaving the empty spaces empty. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Beads, Fiber, Jewelry, Pain, Peripheral neuropathy, Photography

Happy First Day of 2021

Posted on by debthumanblog

I will not miss 2020. I’ve spent more than nine months staying home, not eating in restaurants, only getting my hair cut twice. I’m encouraged to get tested for covid to bring down the positivity rate. The positivity rate is how many positive results in relation to how many tests were performed. Once the positivity rate goes down, there will be fewer restrictions in my county. It’s artificial. The positivity rate means nothing. How many new cases there are each day is what matters. How many of the people in this county have covid. According to the stats, 1 in 13 people in my county have had covid since March. I refuse to participate in this silliness. Lowering the positivity rate won’t remove the refrigerator trucks parked outside the hospitals. Lowering the positivity rate won’t open up more ICU beds – and in my county there are only three open ICU beds. Lowering the positivity rate means nothing when there’s a more infectious mutation floating amok. 

Jim’s 70th birthday was this past Tuesday. I had wanted to take him to Red Lobster for lunch. I’m allergic to seafood and there’s exactly one thing on the menu I can eat, but Jim loves seafood. We decided against that idea because the numbers of new cases of covid each day is scary. Next, we decided to take advantage of Happy Hour at IHOP. We discovered why there were almost no cars in the parking lot when we saw the sign on the door saying the dining room was closed. There is no indoor dining in any restaurant for the duration. Applebee’s has outdoor dining in a tent, but the tent has sides and it’s effectively an enclosed space. We gave up and went to Starbucks where I got a crème brulee latte, some stars, and a chance to play the current Starbucks game. 

I’ve been having a neuropathy flare-up and when the marijuana, CBD oil, and gabapentin don’t kill the pain, the only reliable way to kill the pain is to make art. I’ve been making necklaces using quite a few of the latest shipment of glass beads. They are all in my store here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’ve switched from shooting in RAW to shooting in JPEG. I wasn’t sure I could adequately edit photos using JPEG which has less information in each shot than RAW. I was surprised that I couldn’t see the difference in the jewelry shots. They’re all shot in JPEG and required minimal tweaking in editing. RAW files are huge and switching to JPEG frees up more computer space. 

I’ve kind of figured out how I want to finish quilting the isolation quilt.  I just need to put away all the beads and reclaim my sewing space. 

One night, while wandering around in pain, I saw an orange moon. I don’t trust myself with a heavy, 150-600mm lens and a tripod after I’ve been eating marijuana. Pot makes me walk into walls. Using the 18-400mm lens, I went outside and got an almost decent shot. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop with all my latest fabric designs is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Depression, Emotions

Why I Hate Christmas

Posted on by debthumanblog

Used to be, I’d go into a major depression about the second week of November and it would last until New Year’s Day. Nightmares. Malaise. Dread. The hell that was Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

I hate Christmas. 

I grew up in a violent, drunken household run by a violent, narcissistic drunk who hated me and her violent drunken husband. I’m someone else’s kid. It’s not easy being on the outside looking in. Someone else’s kid is never real. Never a real sibling. Never a real daughter. Never a real part of the family. 

Holidays started with name calling, insults, the drunk trying – and succeeding – to start a fight. The screaming. The crying. And that was just the first hour. The next hour featured my mother screaming that we didn’t spend enough time eating the meal she spent two days cooking. As the drunks drank more, they got nastier and louder. Behaving badly and making others miserable was our holiday tradition. 

We lived in Western New York where the roads weren’t plowed from about December 20 until January 2. We had to drive through an unplowed swamp to get to the in-laws. In the dark. It always snowed huge, fat, mesmerizing flakes. It was nearly impossible to see the edges of the road. The in-laws screamed and fought almost as horribly as my family. I have two happy memories: the Thanksgiving when I had the flu and was too sick to care and the Christmas when dime-store, caroler shaped candles were lit. They melted into a huge puddle covering the bottom of the foil pie pan.

One year, after driving 20 miles on icy roads, my grandmother asked if we would drive another 20 miles to pick up her sister. Fortunately, her sister declined the invitation. That was 40 years ago. I’m still pissed that she had the nerve to expect us to drive all over hell’s unplowed half acre. 

Eventually, Jim and I decided to go on vacation over Christmas. This ended the family hell and the in-law hell. One year, we discovered the entire state of Maine, with the exception of LL Bean and one gas station, shuts down on Christmas. We sat in a hotel room eating stale sandwiches from the only gas station that was open while watching A Christmas Story. It was a pleasant Christmas. A far better Christmas than could be had with either my family or the in-laws.

There’s a truck stop in Lexington, Kentucky that’s open on Christmas. They have the best biscuits. They are also the only place that’s open. We drove around Kentucky eating Chex Mix and clementines while looking for an open restroom. One year, we went to West Virginia and stayed at a resort. At least the restaurant was open, the restroom was open, the food was decent, and they stocked The Washington Post. 

After discovering my German Lutheran family were really Polish Jews, I gave up on Christmas. I was no longer tied to a pagan holiday. I could celebrate Hanukkah. I made my raku menorah. I left the Christmas decorations packed away somewhere in the garage. I had a holiday that came with no horrid memories, no screaming, no fighting, no crying, and best of all, no extended family. 

Posted in Fiber, Quilts

Quilt Decisions

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m working on quilting the isolation quilt, and trying to figure out what I want to do next.

I’ve pretty much figured out how I want to quilt the figure. I’ve outlined the figure inside the box, but not outside the box. I haven’t decided how or if I want to quilt the rest of the box. I’ll make that decision after I get the rest of the piece quilted. I also haven’t decided if I want to quilt around the outside of the part of the figure that’s outside the box.

The hard part is deciding what to do with the quilting for the rest of the quilt. The original idea was to do narrow quilting. Rather than have sharp corners on the quilting, I decided to stagger the lines.

Quilting this narrow is tedious and a PITA. So….. do I keep slogging along hating every stitch? Do I gradually make the lines farther apart? Although it’s hard to see when the lines are this close together, the quilting is a variation on the Log Cabin quilt block. I didn’t have that in mind when I started quilting, but I like the idea now that I see it. Log Cabin and it’s emphasis on the home gives an interesting additional meaning to the quilt. I think lines an inch apart would make the Log Cabin more obvious. It would certainly make the quilting less tedious. Until I figure out how I want to proceed with the rest of the quilting, the quilt will sit quietly.

It’s finished, quilted, and bound.

My Biology Journey. I put the beads on before I started quilting. I thought I’d be okay quilting by hand. While I don’t mind hand quilting, the cataracts make seeing up close difficult. Unfortunately, I kept going until I was too far along to give up and machine quilt the piece. I’ve got some serious retina issues so cataract surgery requires an extremely skilled specialist. Hospitals in New Mexico have gone into crisis mode this week. No elective surgery and we’re about to start rationing medical care. Translated: you get to lie on a gurney gasping for air and dying slowly while others get medical care.

I ordered some Hobbs fusible batting. I had two of my photos printed by Spoonflower. Each photo is centered in a yard of fabric. I’ll be doing the quilting on those by machine and neither lends itself to any kind of beading or other embellishments.

In the last couple months, I’ve put 203 new fabrics in my Spoonflower shop here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My store, Deb Thuman Art, has new work for sale here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Fiber, Jim's Art, Photography, Quilts

My Biology Journey

Posted on by debthumanblog

I have one biology teacher who causes quilt designs to dance in my brain. After two years of making quilts about suicide and mass shooting, it’s a relief to work on something fun.

My Biology Journey

My journey started when I was a real college student as opposed to a continuing education student. I took botany to figure out how plants grew. Then, I looked at the other biology courses I wanted to take and the requirements for a degree in biology. All I needed to take was two additional classes. And so I earned two undergraduate degrees – biology and journalism.

I haven’t finished quilting the piece, so there are orange basting threads holding the top, batting and backing together. I’m quilting by hand because I added the beads before making the quilt sandwich. Had I not done that, I could have done the quilting by machine. I have cataracts that can’t be removed because there’s a 25% risk of the retina in my right eye detaching. The cataracts mess with my vision, and I’m having difficulty seeing close up.

I knew there was a molecular overlap between plants and animals. The beads in the lower left corner represent a chlorophyl molecule – magnesium surrounded by four nitrogen molecules, The beads in the upper right corner represent hemoglobin – iron surrounded by four oxygen molecules. The molecules work differently, but I was intrigued by the similarity.

This semester, I learned there’s a structural overlap between plants and animals. The appliqués represent cell-to-cell communications in animals. Some cells are attached. Plant cells have the same structure. This amazed me. The beads represent simple diffusion.

This is a generic cell. The embroidered line with the star bead on one end and white bead on the other end represents a G-coupled protein receptor. It’s one of the ways proteins cross the lipid bilayer membrane. The other beads around the edge represent a trans membrane protein, a protein that is on the outer layer of the lipid bilayer, a protein the rests on the inner layer of the lipid bilayer, an isoform, and a protein that has just been synthesized and is being moved to the cell membrane. While I wasn’t thinking about this when I chose the fabric, the circles can represent various organelles in the cell.

I asked my teacher how proteins get from where they are synthesized to where they need to be. She explained there are transport proteins. And so here’s a transport protein taking a protein where it’s supposed to go. It’s the image I saw in my head when my teacher said transport proteins. This is the kind of imagery that makes me wonder about myself at times.

I have peripheral neuropathy and gave up on useless neurologists a couple years ago. I’d ask questions the neurologists would smile, hand me a prescription, and walk out of the room. I’ve been on a quest to heal my neuropathy. I’m making progress. The bottom appliqués represents a neuron with ion pumps and neurotransmitters. The upper appliqués represents a dendrite. Dendrites are on one end of a nerve cell and the axon is at the other end. The axon spits out neurotransmitters and the dendrite has receptors for neurotransmitters. There’s a neurotransmitter docking with the dendrite. Since I gave up on neurologists, I’ve had less pain and I’m on my way to curing the neuropathy.

Aside from the advantages of living pain free, I want to go to Antarctica. The NSF gives out an artists and writers grant for a nearly all expenses paid trip to Antarctica. There has been some building in the last few years. An engineer came up with a design to allow blowing snow to go under the building rather than burying the building. The new buildings are on stilts and have tiny windows to let in light without letting out heat. I want this grant. But the grant is dependent on me passing a physical – which I can’t do now. Once I cure my neuropathy, I will apply for the grant again. The reason for the physical is in the event of a medical emergency, under ideal weather conditions and assuming a plane is available, the nearest medical care is eight hours away. A couple years ago, a researcher at the South Pole developed pancreatitis and the NSF decreed he must return home. Except it was winter and the continent was dark. This rescue requires a plane equipped to handle extreme cold, and pilots who can fly blind. The only air business with both is based in Canada. There are no visual landmarks to be seen in the winter. The GPS goes a little crazy – longitudinal lines converge at the South Pole. This rescue also required ideal weather conditions – and weather conditions change in a heartbeat on Antarctica. The researcher had to be ready to get on that plane the second it stopped moving. There’s a window of no more than two minutes between touch down and lift off. Any longer on the ground, and the skis freeze to the ice.

The applique represents the new buildings on Antarctica.

This link, https://www.usap.gov/videoclipsandmaps/spwebcam.cfm will take you to a webcam at the South Pole. There are links on this page for webcams at Palmer Station and McMurdo Station.

The beads represent the Southern Cross. As the Big Dipper, Little Dipper and North Star have been used for navigation in the Northern Hemisphere, both on the sea and traveling the Underground Railroad, the Southern Cross, only visible in the Southern Hemisphere, is used for navigation. I’ve seen the Southern Cross, and I will see it again. I won’t be able to see it when I’m on Antarctica because the grant is only for the summer months. However, there is a requirement to spend a few days before and after being on Antarctica in Christ Church, New Zealand. I will be able to see the Southern Cross there.

90S is the latitude of the geographic South Pole. There are actually three South Poles. A ceremonial South Pole – a frozen place for a spiffy photo op, a geographic South Pole, and a magnetic South Pole located in the ocean. I need to go to the geographic South Pole. I took Jim to the top of the Empire State Building so we could dance on the top of the world. Now, I need to dance on the bottom of the world.

I have proofs of 84 designs and I’m in the process of putting them in my Spoonflower shop here https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman My editing program has some new features and I’ve been playing with geographic when I manipulate my photos. Those manipulated photos are then uploaded to Spoonflower and become my fabric designs.

Jim has made a number of key rings with secret compartments. They are in my store, Deb Thuman Art, here http://www.DebThumanArt.com You need to click on “shop” at the top of the home page in order to see everything that’s in my shop.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Fiber, Photography, Quilts

Getting From Here To There

Posted on by debthumanblog

At the moment, I’m waiting for fabric to tell me what to do next.

I’ve taken three classes from one biology teacher, and I’ve had to make quilts for each class. It wasn’t an assignment; it was art that insisted on being made. This semester, I’m taking human physiology. I’ve worked out what I want on this quilt, and worked out what the different things will look like. The quilt will have trans-membrane proteins, G-coupled protein receptors, transport proteins, neurotransmitters and neurotransmitter receptors, hemoglobin molecule, chlorophyll molecule, cell-to-cell communication, and if I can get enough detail into a small space, a protein receptor on the surface of the cell membrane.

I find it easiest to choose fabrics if I grab fabrics I want to audition for the quilt and let them sit for a day or so. Frequently, fabrics look different a day or two after I choose them. I started with a different fabric for the background, but nothing seemed to work well with that fabric. I’ve eliminated some fabrics that don’t want to play nice with the other fabrics. Now, I just have to wait until the fabric talks to me.

This is the lone detail on the isolation quilt. I know how I want to quilt the rest of the piece, but I haven’t decided how I want to quilt this part. I think I want to outline the figure, but I don’t know what I want to do with the box. I don’t think I want the box to recede and I know I don’t want a lot of detailed quilting in the box. I’ve basted the quilt so it’s ready to be quilted. I just need the quilt to talk to me about this portion.

I’ve been asked about how I manipulate photos to make fabric designs. I use PhotoScape X to edit the photos. This is a free (mostly) app for either Mac or Windows. A one-time payment of $40 USD unlocks all of the features and the app gets updated from time to time. The most recent update includes the ability to do geometric designs.

First, I find look for a subject that I think will work well.

Next, I apply an assortment of overlays.

The first of the geometric manipulations.

Each additional geometric manipulation makes for a more complex design.

I don’t normally twirl the photo, but I decided to experiment a bit.

Followed by another geometric manipulation.

I added lines giving me an abstract design.

My Spoonflower shop with 167 new designs just added is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My online store, Deb Thuman Art has jewelry, scarves, coffee scoops and seam rippers. The photos on the home page show only a small portion of my store. You have to go to the top of the page and click on “shop” to be able to see everything in my store which is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com