Category: Photography

Posted in anxiety, Depression, Fiber, Photography, Psych meds, Quilts

Journey To The Center of Deb’s Brain or Welcome to my Hippocampus and Amygdala

Posted on by debthumanblog

​On March 13, 2020, I got an email telling me the university would shut down at noon. Noon was when my geology lab ended. A few days later, the state shut down. 

​As difficult as this pandemic has been for mentally healthy people, it has been far worse for people who have a mental illness. Pre pandemic, approximately 20% of the adult population of the United States had a diagnosed mental illness (National Institute of Mental Health). Two months into the pandemic, nearly half of Americans report their mental health is deteriorating (Washington Post, May 4, 2020).

I am bipolar. 

Before the pandemic, I was well medicated and about as stable as I could manage to be. Each morning, I traded a portion of my brain for the incomplete promise of getting through the day without screaming. 

Once the state shut down, my mental health immediately deteriorated and continues to deteriorate. 

I don’t mind describing what happens in my brain, but you need to understand that there are no metaphors here. Here is reality as I perceive it.

I’ve had chronic insomnia since last March. I average 4-5 hours sleep a night. Every couple months, I crash and sleep for 8 hours. I have a prescription for sleeping pills, but I don’t like taking them. I get so little sleep that I’m groggy when I wake up if I take a sleeping pill. I want to go to sleep early, but I don’t get tired. Then I get anxious because I’m not getting tired. Then I don’t get tired, and the cycle repeats itself at least until 3 AM. 

Before this past November, I had been on the lowest dose of klonopin since August 2007. I took klonopin when I needed it, and didn’t bother when I didn’t need it. In November, I asked my doctor to raise the dose. My current dose is twice what I had been taking. Sometimes, klonopin helps. Frequently, it doesn’t help enough. I have music that’s supposed to trigger specific brain waves. I’ve no idea if any brain waves are triggered, but the music does help me calm down when the anxiety is severe enough that I can’t calm down otherwise. 

My temple has services via zoom. While I appreciate that, there’s no real interaction with others. The High Holy Days services were unsatisfying. I was alone. The rabbi was alone. Everyone who attended the services was alone. I’ll skip the Passover Seder via zoom. 

My human contact is with my husband and in classes via zoom. I appreciate classes via zoom, but I miss being with other students. I’m nearly 50 years older than traditional students, so there isn’t much to talk about. I miss those tiny conversations. One way for me to combat anxiety is to bake. Baking is fun when I can bring cookies or other goodies to class. I miss the cookie experiments and seeing other students enjoy my baking. 

Frequently, I don’t understand what I’m feeling until the feelings come out of my hand. I’m a multi-media artist. Quilts and clay are how my feelings are expressed. Frequently, my emotional art is dark. It’s art no one in her/his right mind (as opposed to left mind) would want to own. It’s art I have to make the same as I have to breathe. 

It isn’t easy to have a mental illness. Mental illness hurts, and it hurts worse than any physical illness I’ve had. 

​When I made this quilt, I was thinking about a man I knew who killed himself and how he is gone from my life forever. When I look at the quilt now, I think about my loss of contact with others. Zoom is better than nothing, but it’s not a substitute for human contact. 

Isolation. 

I try to climb out of the box, but I’m not successful and there’s nothing outside of the box, so there’s no reason for climbing out of the box. I still try. I still fail. I’m still isolated. 

Because of my age, I’m high risk. My risky behavior consists of: standing in line for more than an hour in order to vote, grocery shopping once, eating in a restaurant with friends and discovering a few days later that one friend and her husband had Covid-19 although both were asymptomatic when we met for lunch. I’ve had my hair cut twice by a hairdresser. Now, I cut my bangs and my husband cuts the hair in back so it’s not hanging down my neck. Now, my excursions consist of doctor visits and going to Starbucks, buying a drink, and immediately leaving the store. Although I want to eat in a restaurant, it’s too dangerous so I eat at home. I want to have a hairdresser cut my hair, but it’s too dangerous. I want to go to Barnes & Nobel, but it’s too dangerous.

Leap by leap, I became more depressed. At first, adding an extra half pill of my antidepressant when necessary was enough to get me out of a depressive episode. My doctor knows I tinker with my dose. She also knows why I won’t agree to a permanent increase in dosage. 

Most of the time, art heals. Maybe making art is helping me, but I can’t know for sure. I think it would be dangerous if I stopped making art now. I’d have no way to express what’s inside of me. There’s no one to talk to, so I speak in fabric. 

I worked on art because maybe it helps. I worked on art because I had to – the same as I have to breathe and eat. I do photography. I edit the photos and manipulate them. I make quilts. I am still depressed.

This is the Buffalo Psychiatric Center. It once contained the best treatment of mental illness. It eventually contained the worst treatment of mental health. Now it contains a defunct hotel and dust bunnies. I could have been a prisoner there. 

Sometimes, I manage to make pretty art. I thought if I worked on some pretty art, I would feel better. This is a manipulated photo that I had printed on fabric and then quilted the fabric.  

When I figure out how I want to bind the edges, I’ll finish the quilt. 

I tried working on another manipulated photo that I had printed on fabric. 

I need to finish quilting this one. It’s a manipulated photo from a happy day. A day when we could go to Bosque del Apache and I could photograph sandhill cranes. 

Making quilts helped, but not enough. 

I photographed whatever looked interesting in my yard.

Photography helped, but not enough. 

I still got depressed. I still had to take an extra half pill of my antidepressant sometimes. That helped, but not enough. 

This is what depression feels like. I think that maybe the depression is finite, but I can’t find my way out of the dark space. 

The depression worsened until I had a mental health crisis. I had a massive, major, all-encompassing depressive episode. I couldn’t stop crying. Oddly, I wasn’t suicidal.

I considered going to Memorial Medical Center, the only hospital in this area with a psychiatric ward. I’m a criminal defense attorney. So many of my clients have mental illnesses. My clients tell me stories of how they were mistreated in hospitals. Similar stories from a multitude of clients about mental hell facilities across the state. Forced medication. Barring visits from family members. Being drugged into oblivion because that made it easier to control the patients. People obviously needing help, but were considered too unpredictable so they were dumped out of a facility. All of it illegal. All of it happening every day.

I was desperate to the point where I was willing to enter the mental hell system. 

I discarded the idea of inpatient treatment when I discovered what my insurance, Presbyterian, and Medicare won’t cover. Presbyterian requires prior authorization for inpatient treatment and inpatient treatment must be approached via the emergency room. Apparently, I need to know about six weeks in advance when I’m going to have a mental health crisis.Otherwise, my insurance covers nothing. Because of the pandemic and because I wasn’t suicidal, I doubted I would have been admitted to the psychiatric ward. Even if I were admitted, I wouldn’t be there long. I’m an attorney. You’ve heard of a jailhouse lawyer? I would have been a psych ward lawyer. 

Because I couldn’t go to the hospital, I increased the dose of my antidepressant to two pills. That worked. Sort of. After three days, I turned into a zombie. The Zombie Apocalypse is over rated. I tried to find a schedule that would allow me to stop crying but not turn me into a zombie. I took two antidepressants on one day, and then two days with my usual dose, then back to two antidepressants. Repeat until oblivion. I wasn’t a zombie, I was more or less functioning, and I was still severely depressed. Rather than a more or less steady state of mood, I had wild mood swings between all-encompassing depression where I could minimally function and severedepression. 

I was in such a deep mental health crisis that I considered electric shock treatment even though I know better than to agree to electric shock treatment. Electric shock is barbaric. The victim is given a sedative so the psychiatrist doesn’t have to hear the victim screaming in pain while the psychiatrist fries the victim’s brain. The victim is given a muscle relaxant so the psychiatrist doesn’t have to watch the victim have a grand mal seizure. The theory is the brain frying must continue until the victim has a seizure for electric shock treatment to be fruitful.Electric shock causes memory loss. Sometimes, the memory loss is permanent. I know of one victim who forgot he was married. I have an Advance Psychiatric Directive. One paragraph states I absolutely do not agree to electric shock treatment. 

I watched  One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. I almost felt better. 

I considered and researched transcranial magnetic stimulation. It’s effective for depression and migraine relief. Because it can also cause worsening of symptoms for people who are bipolar, I rejected that idea. 

I considered ketamine infusion. In desperation, I made an appointment to discuss ketamine. I also did research on ketamine infusion. Ketamine blocks the NMDA receptors which, in theory, should reduce brain activity. In real life, ketamine does block NMDA receptors, but it also causes new neural connections to form and increases glutamate. Ketamine is a hallucinogenic and highly addictive. I was warned that the hallucinations might not be pleasant.I’ve had hallucinations during withdrawal from an antidepressant. I learned that if I let myself look at the hallucinations, and recognize the hallucinations weren’t reality, the hallucinationswere enjoyable. Until I kept trying to kill an imaginary spider that was crawling up the bathroom wall. That wasn’t enjoyable. 

I agreed to try ketamine. 

I watched Easy Rider.

During the infusion I had hallucinations. I saw colors and shapes although the colors and shapes had nothing to do with one another. I heard sounds that no one else could hear. I watched a long, stringy, multi-colored blob come down from the ceiling then recede and melt into the ceiling. I felt that I was turning my head left and right although my husband, who stayed in the room with me, told me I didn’t move my head. When I thought I was looking to my right, the colors were brighter. When I thought I was looking to my left, the colors were darker. The hallucinations were neither pleasant nor unpleasant. They were just interesting. I kept waiting to see purple because when I see purple, I know that healing is happening. I waited to see the brilliant, golden white that I interpret as the presence of the divine. I saw fleeting bits of purple. I didn’t see the brilliant, golden white.

After the infusion, my brain felt full and I could feel something that was almost a buzzing sensation in my brain. I felt almost happy. I also felt a craving for more ketamine. I’ve been through withdrawal from psych meds several times. I’ve had to do a step down to get off some antidepressants. That involved cutting pills into halves or quarters and relieved most of the withdrawal. I had never before experienced a craving. Ketamine works, but it terrifies me. 

That’s about how my brain felt. I haven’t had a chance to have this printed on fabric. If I can figure out how to quilt it, I’ll have it printed on fabric. I’m thinking quilting with holographic thread might show what I felt. 

The customary protocol for ketamine infusion is two infusions per week for three weeks. I know I cannot tolerate ketamine that often. My brain would explode. 

A week after the infusion, the depression is still almost gone, although I can feel the effects of ketamine dissipating. I fear the return of the massive, all consuming depression. I’m considering having an infusion once every two to three weeks. 

Right now, people know what it’s like to be depressed. People know what it’s like to have anxiety. People know what isolation feels like. Right now, it’s okay to be depressed, anxious and isolated. Eventually, life will return to what it was before. People will go back to being normal. I will still be bipolar. There will again be people who think they are better than me for no reason other than unlike me, they don’t have a DSM-5 label. 

I will remain screaming in silence. My screams cause the air to vibrate, but the vibrations never reach ears.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My online store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Photography

Wind, Ketamine, and Quilts

Posted on by debthumanblog

March 13, 2021. Exactly one year ago today, I got an email telling me the university would shut down at noon. My geology lab conveniently ended at noon. Four days later, New Mexico shut down. Since then, I’ve had chronic insomnia, extreme anxiety, depression so bad I couldn’t stop crying, and I’ve gained weight. I got my first covid vaccine shot on March 7, and the second shot will be March 28. I miss eating a meal in a restaurant, but it’s too dangerous to do so. There’s outdoor dining, but that’s also dangerous. It’s spring, and we’re having WIND. The kind of WIND that picks up dust, sand, pollen, small children left unattended, and blows them around and causes an allergic reaction in my nose. Today, the high temperature will be 52 degrees. Not picnic weather. 

Being in the midst of a massive, severe depressive episode and being desperate, I had a ketamine infusion. It was interesting. After a half liter of saline mixed with ketamine finished dripping into my hand, my brain felt full. It felt like a lot was going on in my brain. I felt almost happy. Four days later, I still feel the effects, but I also feel myself sliding back into severe anxiety and depression. The customary protocol is two ketamine sessions a week for three weeks. There’s no way I could have ketamine that often. My brain might explode. I’m considering having an infusion every couple weeks until I finish six infusions. 

I’ve tried again to take decent photos of the socks I’ve made. I’m getting closer, but still not completely happy with my shots. 

I like the composition of this one, but I didn’t pay enough attention to where the edges of the felt were. I couldn’t crop out all the cardboard without cutting off part of the socks.

Finally, there are signs of life in my yard. The buds on the claret cup cactus should open in a few days. 

The buds on the claret cup cactus should start opening within the next week.

I finally figured out how to do free motion quilting without the thread breaking. I used the FMQ foot that came with my machine, Pfaff Quilt Expressions 4.2. Thread broke. I change to a 90/14 topstitch needle which Superior Thread recommends to use with King Tut thread. Thread broke. I cleaned the machine. I rethreaded the machine. I tried a Superior Thread titanium coated 90/14 needle. Thread broke. Having run out of ideas, I tried the spring loaded FMQ foot that’s made by Pfaff, but didn’t come with my machine. Finally, no thread breaking! It shouldn’t have been that hard to find a solution.

I need to come up with something spectacular for an assignment in my neurobiology class. I’ve decided to quilt my mental health as it deteriorated in the past year. 

Isolation. I finished the quilting and the basting stitches have been removed. I had problems with the binding and needed to rip out part of the stitching. Except I can no longer see that well up close. I plan on cutting off the binding and putting different binding on the quilt.

Depression. This one gets quilted after I finish the quilting on the crane quilt.

I had something different in mind when I made this quilt, but now I think it works for the isolation I’ve felt.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower store is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Knitting, Photography, Quilts

Climbing Up Into The Light

Posted on by debthumanblog

I started the free motion quilting on a quilt last week. I had all sorts of problems with the thread breaking. I cleaned the machine, which I do every time I sew. I rethreaded the machine. I adjusted the tension. I’m using King Tut thread and I was told that thread is a touch thicker than regular thread and I need to use a topstitch needle with it. I’m using a Klasse 90/14 topstitch needle which is what Superior Threads recommends on their website for quilting with King Tut thread. I watched a video from Pfaff about free motion quilting on the Quilt Expressions 4.2. I searched the manual for any hints. The tension is adjusted properly. I’ve got the machine set for the free motion quilt foot. I’m using a Pfaff foot. I’ve unthreaded the machine, cleaned the machine, put a new needle in the machine, rethreaded. That’s supposed to solve almost all problems and if it doesn’t solve the problem, it won’t make the problem worse. I switched to a regular foot, regular straight stitch, and gave that a test run on the quilt. Works fine, no problems. I give up. I’ve written to Superior Threads and asked what I’m doing wrong.

This is a manipulated photo of a sandhill crane on one of my trips to Bosque del Apache. I had Spoonflower print the photo on cotton. Maybe I’ll play with different quilting in different parts of the sky. I’m not about to rip out all that free motion quilting. I don’t see well enough to be able to do that. I meet with an ophthalmologist to discuss cataract surgery later this month.

I sold one of my designs in Spoonflower. This was the first time anyone had one of my designs printed on wallpaper. My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I’ve been working on knitting tube socks using some interesting variegated yarn. Once I figure out how to take decent shots of the socks, I’ll put them in my store, Deb Thuman Art, http://www.DebThumanArt.com I chose tube socks because I don’t need to know how long the customer’s foot is which is what I’d need to know if I were putting heels in these socks. With hand-knit socks, the part that wears out first is the heel.

With other variegated yarns, the color changes are more frequent. This is Lion Mandala yarn and the color changes are far less frequent. I’m assuming I’m not the only person who loves funky socks. And if I am, because they are tube socks, they will fit my feet and I’ll happily wear out 11 pairs of tube socks.

I’m still having problems with depression. I can take a double dose of antidepressant and be fine for a day, but the next day I have to drop back down to my regular dose or I’ll be walking into walls. I have my first ketamine infusion on Tuesday. If it does nothing for my depression, at least I’ll have been able to enjoy the hallucinations. I grew up in the ’60s and never did drugs. Not even pot. Now, I have a medical marijuana card, THC infused chocolate in the refrigerator, and I’m about to embark of a magical mystery tour. I never thought my life would be like this. Becoming a geriatric pothead and taking hallucination-inducing drugs wasn’t on my list of life goals.

March 5 was the nine-year anniversary of finally having an accurate diagnosis – bipolar disorder. I knew from representing clients charged with assorted crimes that I would have considerable misery unless I accepted my diagnosis. Which I did. Right after I stopped crying. Suddenly, my life made sense. Finally, there was an explanation for why antidepressants alone were not solving the problem. I’m on an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. I discovered I’m a nice person. I discovered I can be happy. It only took 35 years to get an accurate diagnosis and two psychiatrists missed my diagnosis. It’s not as if bipolar disorder were difficult to spot. My experience with psychiatrists is that they don’t listen. Instead, they grab a prescription pad and proceed to overmedicate me. That’s why I refuse to see a psychiatrist.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Photography

Still In Crisis

Posted on by debthumanblog

I had a massive depressive episode on 2/19/21. I had to go up on my med dosages in order to be able to stop crying. After three days, I had to return to my usual dosages because I was becoming a zombie. That led to another massive depressive episode on Thursday. After making sure Jim could drive me to my appointments on Friday, I went back up on the dosages. Friday morning, I had to force myself to take my meds. I knew I was over medicated, but I thought if I didn’t continue on the higher dosage, I wouldn’t be able to stop crying. I was incapable of driving. I couldn’t understand the instructions for filling out the forms for sending something certified mail, return receipt requested. I tried to read about the latest upgrade to Affinity Photo, but I couldn’t understand anything that I read. My brain did not work. Frustrating and terrifying.

On Friday, I met with the anesthesiologist at a local pain clinic that uses ketamine. I can’t live like a zombie. I need my brain. I can’t function if I can’t stop crying. I went back to my usual dosages today. My appointment for using ketamine is in two weeks. I may have to spend the next two weeks crying. Already, and it has been less than 12 hours, I’m irritable and unable to control myself.

I wanted to try working on a quilt today. The theory was I’d feel better if I made some art. Except I couldn’t. I was measuring different widths for a border. I think I found a width that works, but I don’t trust myself to be able to cut strips the right length and width. So much for working on a quilt.

I tried to do a little photography thinking that would cheer me up. It probably would have if Affinity weren’t the absolute worst photo editing program. Turns out a whole lot of people are having the problem I’m having with this latest upgrade – I can’t save a photo to the desktop or anywhere else and I can’t export a photo to the desktop or anywhere else. I sent an email to “customer service” but I don’t expect an answer back from them in less than a month. I tried looking for YouTube videos to explain how to save and export in the latest version. No luck. The Affinity videos are confusing and overly complicated. Just tell me how I can export the photos to my desktop like I’ve been doing for the last several years. There are lots of questions about this lack of ability to export or save on the forum, but no answers. Any company that offers real customer service, with people whose native language is English, who don’t try to hide the fact that I’m calling someplace in India, is going to be wildly successful and profitable. Apparently customer service is now on part with quality control. Not much of either.

I tried doing a bit of experimenting with deliberate motion.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop with all my fabric designs is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Depression, Fiber, Photography

Depression. Cataracts. Quilts. Photography

Posted on by debthumanblog

I have cataracts and need the surgery. I can’t see close up. I’m having problems with distance. I can’t do much sewing. And I’m high risk. I’m extremely nearsighted – can’t see the E on the top of the eye chart. I also have issues with the retina in my right eye. I was told several years back that if I have cataract surgery, I have a 25% chance of the retina in my right eye detaching. And so the last couple days, I was severely depressed. I tried art therapy and went outside to do some photography. Except this time of year, the desert is brown and dead. 

These are new leaves on a Mexican bird of paradise bush.

I’m not sure if I like this shot. I had to remove a few offending twigs, and I can see where they used to be.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a seed pod.

Today, I discovered I can sew if I wear my computer glasses. At least I could finish the quilting on this one. I haven’t decided if I want landscape or portrait orientation. I also haven’t decided how much of the white border to keep. I don’t want binding to cover any of the quilting. This is a photo I took, manipulated, and has Spoonflower print. Because I wanted to turn this photo into a quilt, the design isn’t in my Spoonflower shop. Plenty of other designs are there, though. You will find them here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I didn’t notice that shadow until I started editing the photos.

I’m making progress on the depression quilt. I’ve figured out the fabric combination. Now, I need to figure out how wide a border I want.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Beads, Fiber, Jewelry, Pain, Peripheral neuropathy, Photography

Happy First Day of 2021

Posted on by debthumanblog

I will not miss 2020. I’ve spent more than nine months staying home, not eating in restaurants, only getting my hair cut twice. I’m encouraged to get tested for covid to bring down the positivity rate. The positivity rate is how many positive results in relation to how many tests were performed. Once the positivity rate goes down, there will be fewer restrictions in my county. It’s artificial. The positivity rate means nothing. How many new cases there are each day is what matters. How many of the people in this county have covid. According to the stats, 1 in 13 people in my county have had covid since March. I refuse to participate in this silliness. Lowering the positivity rate won’t remove the refrigerator trucks parked outside the hospitals. Lowering the positivity rate won’t open up more ICU beds – and in my county there are only three open ICU beds. Lowering the positivity rate means nothing when there’s a more infectious mutation floating amok. 

Jim’s 70th birthday was this past Tuesday. I had wanted to take him to Red Lobster for lunch. I’m allergic to seafood and there’s exactly one thing on the menu I can eat, but Jim loves seafood. We decided against that idea because the numbers of new cases of covid each day is scary. Next, we decided to take advantage of Happy Hour at IHOP. We discovered why there were almost no cars in the parking lot when we saw the sign on the door saying the dining room was closed. There is no indoor dining in any restaurant for the duration. Applebee’s has outdoor dining in a tent, but the tent has sides and it’s effectively an enclosed space. We gave up and went to Starbucks where I got a crème brulee latte, some stars, and a chance to play the current Starbucks game. 

I’ve been having a neuropathy flare-up and when the marijuana, CBD oil, and gabapentin don’t kill the pain, the only reliable way to kill the pain is to make art. I’ve been making necklaces using quite a few of the latest shipment of glass beads. They are all in my store here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’ve switched from shooting in RAW to shooting in JPEG. I wasn’t sure I could adequately edit photos using JPEG which has less information in each shot than RAW. I was surprised that I couldn’t see the difference in the jewelry shots. They’re all shot in JPEG and required minimal tweaking in editing. RAW files are huge and switching to JPEG frees up more computer space. 

I’ve kind of figured out how I want to finish quilting the isolation quilt.  I just need to put away all the beads and reclaim my sewing space. 

One night, while wandering around in pain, I saw an orange moon. I don’t trust myself with a heavy, 150-600mm lens and a tripod after I’ve been eating marijuana. Pot makes me walk into walls. Using the 18-400mm lens, I went outside and got an almost decent shot. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop with all my latest fabric designs is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Fiber, Jim's Art, Photography, Quilts

My Biology Journey

Posted on by debthumanblog

I have one biology teacher who causes quilt designs to dance in my brain. After two years of making quilts about suicide and mass shooting, it’s a relief to work on something fun.

My Biology Journey

My journey started when I was a real college student as opposed to a continuing education student. I took botany to figure out how plants grew. Then, I looked at the other biology courses I wanted to take and the requirements for a degree in biology. All I needed to take was two additional classes. And so I earned two undergraduate degrees – biology and journalism.

I haven’t finished quilting the piece, so there are orange basting threads holding the top, batting and backing together. I’m quilting by hand because I added the beads before making the quilt sandwich. Had I not done that, I could have done the quilting by machine. I have cataracts that can’t be removed because there’s a 25% risk of the retina in my right eye detaching. The cataracts mess with my vision, and I’m having difficulty seeing close up.

I knew there was a molecular overlap between plants and animals. The beads in the lower left corner represent a chlorophyl molecule – magnesium surrounded by four nitrogen molecules, The beads in the upper right corner represent hemoglobin – iron surrounded by four oxygen molecules. The molecules work differently, but I was intrigued by the similarity.

This semester, I learned there’s a structural overlap between plants and animals. The appliqués represent cell-to-cell communications in animals. Some cells are attached. Plant cells have the same structure. This amazed me. The beads represent simple diffusion.

This is a generic cell. The embroidered line with the star bead on one end and white bead on the other end represents a G-coupled protein receptor. It’s one of the ways proteins cross the lipid bilayer membrane. The other beads around the edge represent a trans membrane protein, a protein that is on the outer layer of the lipid bilayer, a protein the rests on the inner layer of the lipid bilayer, an isoform, and a protein that has just been synthesized and is being moved to the cell membrane. While I wasn’t thinking about this when I chose the fabric, the circles can represent various organelles in the cell.

I asked my teacher how proteins get from where they are synthesized to where they need to be. She explained there are transport proteins. And so here’s a transport protein taking a protein where it’s supposed to go. It’s the image I saw in my head when my teacher said transport proteins. This is the kind of imagery that makes me wonder about myself at times.

I have peripheral neuropathy and gave up on useless neurologists a couple years ago. I’d ask questions the neurologists would smile, hand me a prescription, and walk out of the room. I’ve been on a quest to heal my neuropathy. I’m making progress. The bottom appliqués represents a neuron with ion pumps and neurotransmitters. The upper appliqués represents a dendrite. Dendrites are on one end of a nerve cell and the axon is at the other end. The axon spits out neurotransmitters and the dendrite has receptors for neurotransmitters. There’s a neurotransmitter docking with the dendrite. Since I gave up on neurologists, I’ve had less pain and I’m on my way to curing the neuropathy.

Aside from the advantages of living pain free, I want to go to Antarctica. The NSF gives out an artists and writers grant for a nearly all expenses paid trip to Antarctica. There has been some building in the last few years. An engineer came up with a design to allow blowing snow to go under the building rather than burying the building. The new buildings are on stilts and have tiny windows to let in light without letting out heat. I want this grant. But the grant is dependent on me passing a physical – which I can’t do now. Once I cure my neuropathy, I will apply for the grant again. The reason for the physical is in the event of a medical emergency, under ideal weather conditions and assuming a plane is available, the nearest medical care is eight hours away. A couple years ago, a researcher at the South Pole developed pancreatitis and the NSF decreed he must return home. Except it was winter and the continent was dark. This rescue requires a plane equipped to handle extreme cold, and pilots who can fly blind. The only air business with both is based in Canada. There are no visual landmarks to be seen in the winter. The GPS goes a little crazy – longitudinal lines converge at the South Pole. This rescue also required ideal weather conditions – and weather conditions change in a heartbeat on Antarctica. The researcher had to be ready to get on that plane the second it stopped moving. There’s a window of no more than two minutes between touch down and lift off. Any longer on the ground, and the skis freeze to the ice.

The applique represents the new buildings on Antarctica.

This link, https://www.usap.gov/videoclipsandmaps/spwebcam.cfm will take you to a webcam at the South Pole. There are links on this page for webcams at Palmer Station and McMurdo Station.

The beads represent the Southern Cross. As the Big Dipper, Little Dipper and North Star have been used for navigation in the Northern Hemisphere, both on the sea and traveling the Underground Railroad, the Southern Cross, only visible in the Southern Hemisphere, is used for navigation. I’ve seen the Southern Cross, and I will see it again. I won’t be able to see it when I’m on Antarctica because the grant is only for the summer months. However, there is a requirement to spend a few days before and after being on Antarctica in Christ Church, New Zealand. I will be able to see the Southern Cross there.

90S is the latitude of the geographic South Pole. There are actually three South Poles. A ceremonial South Pole – a frozen place for a spiffy photo op, a geographic South Pole, and a magnetic South Pole located in the ocean. I need to go to the geographic South Pole. I took Jim to the top of the Empire State Building so we could dance on the top of the world. Now, I need to dance on the bottom of the world.

I have proofs of 84 designs and I’m in the process of putting them in my Spoonflower shop here https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman My editing program has some new features and I’ve been playing with geographic when I manipulate my photos. Those manipulated photos are then uploaded to Spoonflower and become my fabric designs.

Jim has made a number of key rings with secret compartments. They are in my store, Deb Thuman Art, here http://www.DebThumanArt.com You need to click on “shop” at the top of the home page in order to see everything that’s in my shop.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Fiber, Photography, Quilts

Getting From Here To There

Posted on by debthumanblog

At the moment, I’m waiting for fabric to tell me what to do next.

I’ve taken three classes from one biology teacher, and I’ve had to make quilts for each class. It wasn’t an assignment; it was art that insisted on being made. This semester, I’m taking human physiology. I’ve worked out what I want on this quilt, and worked out what the different things will look like. The quilt will have trans-membrane proteins, G-coupled protein receptors, transport proteins, neurotransmitters and neurotransmitter receptors, hemoglobin molecule, chlorophyll molecule, cell-to-cell communication, and if I can get enough detail into a small space, a protein receptor on the surface of the cell membrane.

I find it easiest to choose fabrics if I grab fabrics I want to audition for the quilt and let them sit for a day or so. Frequently, fabrics look different a day or two after I choose them. I started with a different fabric for the background, but nothing seemed to work well with that fabric. I’ve eliminated some fabrics that don’t want to play nice with the other fabrics. Now, I just have to wait until the fabric talks to me.

This is the lone detail on the isolation quilt. I know how I want to quilt the rest of the piece, but I haven’t decided how I want to quilt this part. I think I want to outline the figure, but I don’t know what I want to do with the box. I don’t think I want the box to recede and I know I don’t want a lot of detailed quilting in the box. I’ve basted the quilt so it’s ready to be quilted. I just need the quilt to talk to me about this portion.

I’ve been asked about how I manipulate photos to make fabric designs. I use PhotoScape X to edit the photos. This is a free (mostly) app for either Mac or Windows. A one-time payment of $40 USD unlocks all of the features and the app gets updated from time to time. The most recent update includes the ability to do geometric designs.

First, I find look for a subject that I think will work well.

Next, I apply an assortment of overlays.

The first of the geometric manipulations.

Each additional geometric manipulation makes for a more complex design.

I don’t normally twirl the photo, but I decided to experiment a bit.

Followed by another geometric manipulation.

I added lines giving me an abstract design.

My Spoonflower shop with 167 new designs just added is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My online store, Deb Thuman Art has jewelry, scarves, coffee scoops and seam rippers. The photos on the home page show only a small portion of my store. You have to go to the top of the page and click on “shop” to be able to see everything in my store which is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in anxiety, Fiber, Photography, Quilts

The Art Cure

Posted on by debthumanblog

My brain isn’t working well today. I’m having significantly more anxiety than usual and a I’m having peripheral neuropathy pain.  I’ve combined an anti-anxiety med, the medical marijuana and three hours’ sleep. I don’t recommend it. 

I have nearly all of the 167 new fabrics in my Spoonflower shop. Because of the insomnia, anxiety and meds, I’m having serious problems coming up with key words for each fabric. At the moment, 142 new designs are in my Spoonflower shop and you can find them here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

There are two single yard pieces that I plan on quilting. One is a photo that I manipulated using the geometrics part of PhotoScape X. I like that it looks like a modern version of a traditional quilt. Yes, there will be photos.

There’s a reason it’s called art therapy and I’ve been playing with photography.

I photographed the desert coming alive in the spring and summer. Now, I’m photographing the desert going dormant. What strikes me is how determined plants are to keep blooming. Here are the remnants of a recent bloom surrounded by dead blooms and dead leaves.

Yucca pods that have opened to release seeds.

Every photographer, including me, has an assortment of full moon photos. I’ve been deliberately looking for opportunities to photograph a less than full moon.

It was a nice night, so I decided to play around a bit. I experimented using a flashlight to light up different parts of the yard. I was hoping for something a bit different, but what I got is intriguingly eerie.

One of my recent manipulated photos. Here’s the original photo.

Today, I started with a photo of bare branches and played a bit. Here’s the final manipulation.

For some reason, the original shot won’t load.

I can get nearly instant gratification with photography and I find I am suddenly calm when I start to make art.

I’ve got nearly all of the isolation quilt basted and can start quilting it tomorrow. I’ve a pretty good idea of how I want to quilt it. I need to work on the human physiology quilt. 

Don’t want to risk shopping at the few stores still open? One safe option is to support an artist. Many artists have on-line stores offering one of a kind treasures. Mine, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Fiber, Judiasm, Photography, Quilts, Suicide

Quilts, Shutdown, And Other Joys of Modern Life

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’ve finally put the binding on a quilt made in memory of 11 people who were killed inside a temple in Pittsburgh a couple years ago. The blue in the center is the Hebrew word for life. The 11 Stars of David are for the 11 people killed. The red is blood spatter. I remember reading that when members of the temple went inside the temple, they found blood spatter and brain tissue on the walls. 

I quilted and put binding on the suicide quilt. I’ve only quilted the bottom half of the quilt. We don’t know what happens after we die. People have an assortment of beliefs about what happens, but no one knows for sure. The lack of quilting reflects that unknowing. The line between the hands is how connections between people are forever severed when someone dies. 

New Mexico is shut down for two weeks. The number of new infections each day is out of control. I doubt shutting down for two weeks will make a difference. I think the timing of the shutdown is an attempt to keep people home on Thanksgiving. I suspect the state will remain shut down until the end of the year. 

I’m getting tired of this virus. Tired of not being able to go anywhere. Tired of having my photography restricted to what’s in my yard. While dead yucca seed pods are interesting, there are only so many I can look at before I get bored. 

I’ve been playing with photographs of the only part of my yard that looks like a forest. The rest of the yard looks like a desert. 

Last spring, I found a cholla I hadn’t seen before. It had small, white flowers rather than the large, garish purple flowers on all the other chollas in my yard. Now, it’s got tiny tunas about the size of a marble. The other chollas don’t have tunas. 

I’ve been doing most of my shopping online and it’s taking a long time for things I order to arrive. I think this is a combination of horrible orders given to the postal service in an attempt to stop mail-in ballots and the larger than usual number of packages traveling through the mail. I have an online store, Deb Thuman Art http://www.DebThumanArt.com. I mail out orders Monday through Saturday the day after the orders are placed. If an order is placed on Saturday, it won’t go out until Monday. Please shop early to allow for gifts to arrive in time for Christmas. 

My Spoonflower order has shipped; and when it arrives, I’ll be putting 168 new fabric designs in my Spoonflower store https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Fiber, Photography, Quilts

Quilts, Fabric, Photography

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’ve had this quilt design floating around in my head for a while. After reading an email this past week, I felt alone and isolated. The quilt couldn’t live in my head anymore; I had to make this quilt. It’s a self portrait. I tried pinning the white square on the fabric, but the square bunched up. I ripped out the stitches and made quilt basting spray. That was frustrating. The spray bottles I bought are only good for spraying something the consistency of water. Quilt basting spray wouldn’t go through the nozzle. Because my anxiety is high enough that it’s in the stratosphere, Jim had to figure out how to make a spray bottle work. Eventually, Jim found a bottle and sprayer that would accommodate quilt basting spray. I’m surprised at how well this spray holds fabric together. 

I outlined me with purple Razzle Dazzle because purple is a healing color.

Using Razzle Dazzle for hand sewing can be frustrating. The threads separate and get tangled. I used a fast-drying adhesive on the end of the thread and that kept the threads from unraveling. There was a knot in the other end. This quilt is still in progress but this is all I’m going to do in the way of design. I need to figure out how I want to quilt it. I’ve got an idea about quilting that may make a couple quilts play off each other and tell a story. 

Armed with a 25% off coupon, a couple dollars in commissions and the promise of free shipping, I placed a sizeable order with Spoonflower. When my order arrives, I’ll be able to put 168 new fabric designs in my store. I also ordered two of my designs to be printed on two one-yard pieces of fabric. I think they will make interesting art quilts. The fabric with all the proofs will be used for quilt backing. My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

It snowed this week. Snow in southern New Mexico is rare, so I had to go out and photograph the snow covered desert. 

Next, I started playing around in editing and came up with some intriguing fabric designs. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in anxiety, Baking, Jewelry, Photography

Ouch. Cough. Insomnia. Photography

Posted on by debthumanblog

After a week of touring Dallas and Ft. Worth, my roasting pan finally arrived. A week after Bed, Bath & Beyond said it would be delivered. I’m not interested in making a roast; I’m interested in making creme caramel and I needed a pan deep enough that I could have hot water 3/4 of the way up the side of the custard cups. And so I set out to make creme caramel. I gave myself a second-degree burn working with the caramel – which I burnt. My copay for a visit to the emergency room is $275. I can think of a whole lot of other things I’d rather spend $275 on than sitting around an emergency room waiting for someone to tell me what I already know. Instead, I put lidocaine on the burn and put a bandage over it. It’s an interesting experience trying to temper eggs when working with only one and a half hands. The custard part of the creme caramel came out really nice. The caramel part taught me I need to use a candy thermometer rather than try to guess when the caramel is just right.

This damn pandemic better end soon. The insomnia is killing me. I will fall asleep at a more or less reasonable hour two nights in a row, then the insomnia is back and I’m up until 4:00 AM. Bleah. This has been going on long enough for the extreme anxiety to feel normal.

I need a haircut, but that’s not going to happen for a few months. New Mexico is now a hotspot and the county I live is is one of the hottest spots in the state. We’re setting records for new covid-19 infections at least once a week. It’s terrifying. So I will live with shaggy hair for several weeks. Or longer.

The air quality here has been terrible for weeks. All the particulates from the wildfires are blowing through and causing me to have an allergic reaction. Finally, in desperation, I went outside yesterday to do some photography. Fortunately, the air quality was better than it had been. I started the pandemic photographing spring in the desert. That morphed into photographing the desert in the summer. Now, I’m working on photographing the desert as it dies back to be dormant for the next six months.

The few flowers on the desert sage bushes are tiny. The leaves are turning yellow.

Some of the desert plants don’t seem to understand what time of year it is. This is a blossom on a red yucca that should have stopped blooming four months ago.

Last night, for the first time in weeks, we had a colorful sunset and I went out to photograph it. I got distracted by the cottontail that was willing to hold still long enough for me to get a few decent bunny shots.

After the bunny left, I documented the sunset.

One of the editing programs I use is Photoscape X. Much of the program is free, and $40 unlocks all the bells and whistles. The other day, Photoscape issued an update. Wow! Do I have bells and whistles!

Here’s the original shot of a seed pod on a red yucca.

That was so much fun, I played with another shot.

The original shot.

I’m working on turning these into fabric designs. My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Cohen holding still long enough for me to get a more or less decent shot of her. Usually The Deranged Ones hide when I grab the camera.

I’ve been working with some of the beads I bought last month when we took a tiny trip to Albuquerque and I’ve been putting necklaces into my store, Deb Thuman Art, here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Beads, Fiber, Jewelry, Photography, Quilts

Beads & A Quilt Idea

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m taking a human physiology class from one of my favorite teachers. This is the third class I’ve taken from her. For some reason, her classes trigger quilt ideas. No quilt ideas have come from any other class I’ve ever taken. When I took neurobiology from her, I made two quilts about nerves.

Someday, I’ll bind this one.

When I took animal physiology from her, I made a mitochondria quilt.

Now, I’ve got a human physiology quilt floating in my brain.

When I was in college for real, I majored in biology. I would lay awake at night trying to figure out how water crossed the cell membrane. I loved botany. Had I gone to grad school instead of law school, I would have been a botanist. Now, I’m in college for fun. I take classes that interest me and I’m not working towards another degree. I can’t get another degree; I’m out of wall space.

As I was reading the textbook for my human physiology class, I saw something astounding. There are junctions between human cells that closely resemble junctions between plant cells. I’ve never seen structural overlap like that before. That’s what triggered the quilt idea. The soft idea floating in my head features representations of the parts of biology and the parts of my class that mean the most to me. I need to do some sketching.

In the UFO category, I still haven’t made quilt basting spray which means I still haven’t quilted the suicide quilt although I’ve got a firm idea of how I want to quilt it.

I’ve been working on photographing necklaces I’ve made and putting those necklaces for sale in my store, Deb Thuman Art which you can find here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I woke up in pain yesterday. Only one thing to do when that happens – grab the camera, go outside, and start shooting.

I woke up about an hour after sunrise, so I got some interesting light.

The agave that bloomed two years ago still hasn’t died. We didn’t cut the stalk down, and the stalk is now woody and it has become a perch on which birds watch for predators. These are dove.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Beads, Fiber, Photography, Quilts

Beads. Photos. Tooth. Quilt Idea.

Posted on by debthumanblog

We took a tiny trip to Albuquerque on Friday. We stayed overnight and came back Saturday morning. Travel is interesting. No more breakfast buffet at the hotel. They offer a breakfast grab and go bag containing yogurt, a granola bar, and some juice. No bedspread on the bed. If you want a blanket, you have to ask for one to be brought to your room. All the dishes, including the coffee pot, are in the dishwasher rather than in the cupboards and drawers. No more hot coffee and hot tea all day and night. We bought teabags at Sprouts. No honey. No sugar. No creamer. The pool is closed but the exercise room is open. Only two people or one family in the elevator at a time. One of our favorite restaurants appears to be permanently closed. Limited hours at other restaurants. I had to contact the Department of Transportation to ask if restrooms along I-25 are open. They are. I asked because restrooms at parks have been closed since mid-March.

The point of this trip was to buy beads at my favorite gem store. I checked before we left home to be sure the gem store was open. This trip, I decided to splurge and buy some of the more expensive beads. Expensive is a relative term. Although I loved the 10mm round larimar beads, I couldn’t afford to pay $750 for them. The most expensive beads I bought were $45 a strand. It’s a balancing act. I wanted to have higher end beads, but I need to have high end beads that turn into earrings and necklaces my customers can afford. Few people are willing to pay $1,000+ for a necklace from an on-line store. At that price, people need to see the jewelry and feel the stones before buying. 

Bumble bee jasper. These are beads the clerk recommended, and I’m fascinated by the colors.

Larimar which is found only in the Dominican Republic. I love the stone, but at the moment, the beads are pricy. Gem prices are driven by scarcity, politics, and how much is being mined at the moment.

Phosphosiderite. The name is from the components of the stone, phosphorous and iron. I was surprised to discover it’s rare because the price for these was reasonable.

Peruvian opal. Although these opals don’t have the light play of the more famous opals, a couple of the stones are clearly trying to sparkle.

Rhodochrosite, one of my favorite stones. It’s the national stone of Argentina. While the price here is reasonable, the price is outrageously expensive in Argentina.

Turquoise. The reasonable price was a surprise because turquoise jewelry is expensive in New Mexico.

Vericite. I love the delicate green color of the stones. The color isn’t absolutely accurate in these photos.

Here in New Mexico, we’re getting smoke from California and Arizona. I don’t remember the last time smoke didn’t hide the mountains in haze. I took these photos from the hotel window and had a time and a half editing the shots. 

My broken tooth was extracted this past Tuesday. I opted for anesthetic because I detest getting a shot of anything in my mouth. The oral surgeon explained that the tooth had three roots and the roots would have to be drilled out. After the tooth was removed, a titanium post was implanted in my jaw. I watched a Youtube video to see how the post was implanted, and I was glad I wasn’t awake. While the process is fascinating, some things I’d rather not know about while they are happening. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8k6pFGwUHVs if you’d like to see the process. I stopped taking the painkillers on Wednesday. I hated being stoned and when I wasn’t having pain. I’m still taking the antibiotics four times a day. I still have to eat on only one side, but I’m starting to eat semi-solid food. Pasta. Enchiladas. Refried beans. Rice. 

I was reading in my human physiology text book, and my brain took a little trip. I thought about chocolate chip cookies and how everything in a body is interconnected. That transition made sense at the time. Then, an idea for a physiology quilt started to form. The design needs more work, but I may end up with something fun. Fun would be nice. For the past couple years, my quilts have been about mass shootings, suicide and isolation. 

I’m linking with Nina Maria here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My on-line store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Beads, bipolar disorder, Cognitive problems, Photography

Making My Way Back

Posted on by debthumanblog

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t bipolar. I could have been diagnosed 35 years earlier. I should have been diagnosed 24 years earlier. There’s no excuse for not being diagnosed 10 years earlier. That’s what happens when you get packed off to a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist wants to prescribe meds but doesn’t want to listen. During the time I was undiagnosed, I put myself through college earning degrees in journalism and biology even though I had no high school math or science, put myself through law school, took and passed two bar exams, ran my own law practice, appeared before the US Supreme Court, moved 2000 miles across the country, argued before the New Mexico Supreme Court three times, did about a hundred trials and a couple dozen appeals. Bipolar disorder never kept me from doing what I wanted to be doing.

I have a mental illness. I’m not disabled. Except, I am. Thursday, my brain didn’t work. I’m taking a biology class and although I find the class fascinating, I can’t remember things, can’t figure out answers to problems, can’t concentrate. For the first time in my life, bipolar disorder is a disability. Knowing that many other people who are bipolar have similar experiences doesn’t help. My brain is broken and cannot be fixed. I’m not able to accept that. 

My severe lack of ambition seems to be a function of a pandemic. So many people let me know after my last blog post that they share my malaise. Because my extreme lack of endurance, I need to set exercise goals. Right now I can only handle small goals. My current small goal is 10 minutes on the elliptical machine every day. I’ve done that five days in a row. I think the exercise, pitifully small though it is, helps. 

I’ve been doing some macro work lately. Some of my work involves taking photos of interesting patterns and manipulating the photos.

I’ve also been doing some product photography. I’ll be listing these in my store, Deb Thuman Art, in the next couple days.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman