Now that I’m 70, I can do things I thought I couldn’t. When I turned 40, I decided I could learn anything I wanted. The entire world was open for me to explore. When I turned 60, I discovered that finite life wasn’t a far-off thing, it was real and it was immediate.
When I turned 70, telling people I’m a nude model is fun. There’s nothing embarrassing about sitting in front of a class full of art students who are dutifully drawing my flab, sags, and bags. I get paid $18 an hour to take off my clothes, sit in a chair and hold still.
When I turned 70, I felt the same as when I turned 40 although what I want to learn now is different. I am convinced I can return my body to health. I am convinced I can learn why I over eat. There’s a reason, but I’ve never figured out what it is. I’m pretty sure it has to do with growing up in a toxic family. But I don’t have that family anymore, so now I can heal.
I’m convinced I can heal and reverse the peripheral neuropathy. Forget the crap spewed out by neurologists. Nerves regenerate. The fact that nerves regenerate slowly doesn’t negate the fact that they regenerate.
I am learning how to regain and maintain a healthy weight. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to cook. I come from a long line of throw it in the pot and hope it’s edible cooks. Now that I’m 70, I can learn how to cook.
I am learning how to paint although I’m not good at it. I’ll get better if I keep painting.
I am learning to take sewing seriously, take my time, and do it right. Before, it was a matter of how fast I could complete a project.
I am learning to accept that I don’t do pretty art. My art kicks you in the gut even if you don’t want to be kicked.
I am learning to write honestly and not hold back. If I embarrass someone who needs to be embarrassed in the process, then that’s what happens. It’s not my job to hide someone else’s flaws.
What I’m not learning is how to get past this feeling that everything I create is crap. It’s not that my work is technically flawed – that I could fix. There’s something missing in my work and I can’t figure out what it is. Colors don’t look right. Lighting doesn’t look right. Clothes don’t look right. I can’t find the problem and if I can’t find the problem, I can’t find the solution.
I tried to photograph an entire ocotillo plant. That’s not easy because the plants are a good 8′-10′ tall. By the time I get the entire plant in a photo, I get too much background. My point in taking this photo was to show the spiny branches and how they are devoid of leaves at the moment. I failed.
I tried photographing a spike of ocotillo flowers and managed to show the spines. The photo is technically correct, but it doesn’t sing to me.
The yuccas that are blooming now are the variety where the flowers hide in the leaves. It shows what I meant to show, but it doesn’t sing to me. I’ve tinkered with saturation, but that doesn’t solve the problem.
Maybe I’m trying too hard? I did get a shot of a single flower, but I can’t isolate the flower. And maybe the flower doesn’t need to be isolated. Maybe it’s enough to show the plant as it is. Used to be, that was enough for me.
I managed to show new growth on the prickly pear, but there’s nothing exciting in this photo.
It’s almost hidden that I wanted to show the buds on this prickly pear.
I’ve been playing with fabric designs, but the joy is missing.
I’m linking with Nina Marie here: https://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com/
My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman
Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com
Deb's Art 