Category: Clay

Posted in Clay, Depression, Emotions, Fiber, Mental Illness, Quilts

Where Did My Happiness Go? Did I Ever Have Happiness?

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m not sure when this happened. Used to be, my quilts were pictorial. Now, they are emotional. Apparently, I haven’t been in a happy emotional place in more than four years. During those years, my quilts were about suicide, frustration with neurologists who refused to listen to me, isolation, depression and sexual assault. 

Fury. 

It’s hard to get everything in one photo. The quilt says: If you touch this without my permission, I will break your fucking arm.

Suicide. 

Depression. 

Isolation. 

Mass shooting.

My quilts went from having beads, buttons, couched fancy threads to unadorned, stark quilts. The one exception is the quilt I made for human physiology.

Lots of beads and lots of whimsy on that quilt. The quilt is about my biology journey starting as an undergrad in 1977 and continuing during the last fall semester.

One happy quilt didn’t stave off a massive, all-encompassing depressive episode that left me so desperate, I considered electric shock treatments which I know are barbaric. During the last three years, my writing has become increasingly depressing. I write about suicide. I write impassioned pieces, which will never be shared while I’m alive, that are an attempt to calm the emotional roiling inside me. I write about the frustrations of having a mental illness in a world that still stigmatizes mental illness – an attitude that should have been dumped at the end of the Dark Ages. 

Dark subjects started appearing in my work in 2007. I was going through hell at work – a hell caused by a lunatic supervisor who kept trying to force me to quit. Around that time, I started making dark ceramic art. Bowls with words written on them: I’m a nice person, why don’t they like me? If I stay small and quiet, maybe they won’t hit me. A ceramics classmate looked at the bowls, said they were pretty. Then she looked at what was written on the bowls. And walked away. 

Self-portrait ceramic sculpture entitled: Fuck You, I’m Still Alive. Complete with bullet holes.

I tell people that art is a snapshot of a tiny piece of the artist at the time the art was created. Depression, isolation and suicide don’t seem to be tiny pieces of me. I knew that depression was a constant emotion while I was growing up. I didn’t realize, because I chose not to look, how overwhelming depression is now. 

I tell people that I frequently don’t understand what I’m feeling until the feelings come out of my hands. When are those feelings going to be happy again? Or were those feelings never happy?

My on-line store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower store is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com 

Posted in Beads, Clay, Jewelry, Photography, Pottery, Quilts

The Little Writer Has Evolved Into An Artist

Posted on by debthumanblog

Some miracle happened, and I can now list my designs for sale at https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman Prior to listing designs for sale, Spoonflower requires designers to have proofs made so any color tweaking that may be necessary can be done.

Here are some of the proofs.

You can also see the designs for which I haven’t yet had proofs made so they aren’t for sale. Eventually, they will be for sale. If you see something you like that isn’t yet for sale, let me know and I’ll have a proof made right away. It takes about a week for me to get proofs back and then a couple hours to list the fabrics that are for sale. 

Every few weeks, I’ll be listing more of my designs for sale. I’ve been having so much fun playing with photos, making abstract designs and figuring out how best to translate the abstract photo to fabric. The designs for sale can be ordered in an assortment of fabric ranging from cotton to silk and even upholstery fabric. My designs can also be ordered in wallpaper. https://www.spoonflower.com/en/products/9578592?product=wallpaper On that page, you can see how the design looks as fabric, as wallpaper and as kitchen décor, as living room décor and as bedding.  

In other creative news…… I was thinking last night about where my art has led me. I started out writing short stories when I was still in high school. I knew I was a good writer when a teacher handed back stories we had written, handed me my story and said, “Wow!” This was also the time I learned a lawyer was in me. The assistant principal thought I had drugs in my purse and asked to search my purse. I didn’t have drugs, but without thinking I looked him in eye and asked if he had a warrant. Fifteen years old, and I sounded like William Kunsler. It would be 23 more years before I would go to law school. 

I wrote a lot when I was in college. One teacher told me she always put my work on the bottom of the pile because she knew I was a good writer and she had my work to look forward to as she read the other students’ work. Then I became a reporter and later an attorney. I went from fiction to fact to weird, stilted legal writing. I was good at all of it. One day while sitting in a mandatory, boring seminar, I began writing a novel. The novel isn’t finished yet and I’m amazed at the changes the novel has gone through. In a weird way, writing a novel is like getting to know the characters that exist only in my imagination. I started writing short stories again. Little things at first. The last two short stories are serious and I’m working out my feelings about suicide through these stories. 

During the return to creative writing journey, I learned to work with clay, and to work out my feelings in ceramic sculpture.  I learned more about working with fiber, learned about art quilts, and played in my sketchbook working out abstract designs. I learned I loved working with beads and began making jewelry. Now, I’m designing fabric. It’s been a wild art journey since I got my first thesaurus when I was 14. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com Stop by and see what other artists have been doing.

My store featuring fiber art and jewelry is at http://DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Beads, bipolar disorder, Clay, Depression, Emotions, Jewelry, Quilts

Beads. Quilt. Clay. Bipolar disorder.

Posted on by debthumanblog

It’s been a rough few days. I wanted to decrease the Wellbutrin because I’m taking a prescription form of folate that is formulated to cross the blood brain barrier. The folate helps keep me above suicidal but doesn’t cause brain dropouts. I tried cutting the Wellbutrin pill in half. Nope. Bad idea. I felt myself sinking below center. The rate of suicide for people who are bipolar is 20 times that of the rest of the population. I find that terrifying. I’ve been suicidal 5 times in my life. How many times can I walk up to the edge of the cliff and not jump off?  I’m back to the dosages I was on and much closer to center. 

Bipolar disorder means having moods that have minds of their own. I’m in a foul mood, but there’s no reason why I should feel this way. Working on art helped, but I’m still not at center. I had ordered some impression jasper. It’s a stone that gives the impression of jasper. Except it’s not jasper. These two are dyed. I liked the color, so I’ve been playing around. 

I don’t usually just have a pendant on a silver chain, but this particular Swavorski crystal would be overwhelmed if I added any beads. 

I played a bit with making a book mark.

I can’t just sit and watch TV; I have to be doing something. I’ve been crocheting circles. Eventually, I’ll roll out a slab of clay, arrange the circles on the slab, press them in, and cut out little trays. 

I wanted to make a quilt to commemorate the murders at the temple in Pittsburgh last October. I’m not sure I’m all that happy with the chai, but I’m not about to wash this piece. I had to figure out how to make blood spatter for this piece and I can’t remember if I set the blood spatter. 

I’m trying to force myself to relax and have fun with my classes, immunology and cell biology. I spent college having to be the best in my classes. I spent law school having to be the best. I spent a career practicing law having to be the best. Now, I’m taking classes that interest me. I’m not going for another degree. The grade doesn’t matter…..except it does matter. I’m feeling burnt out because I’m putting emphasis on getting a good grade rather than putting emphasis on enjoying the class. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com Stop by and see what other artists are doing.

Please stop by my store, Deb Thuman Art http://www.debthumanart.com

Posted in Clay, Fiber, Pain, Peripheral neuropathy, Photography, Quilts

I’m Not Old Enough To Be This Old

Posted on by debthumanblog

My friends have been telling me I need to slow down and that I keep trying to do too much. I should have paid attention. Now, whether I like it or not, I have to slow down. 

Jim has two tears in his rotator cuff and needs surgery. One tear is “medium” and the other “major.” We’re waiting for workers comp to approve the surgery. Once Jim has surgery, he won’t be able to move his arm for 6 weeks.

Meanwhile, I’ve been working on little ceramic trays because they are a huge seller for me. I’ve got a fully-manual, gas fired, top loading kiln. I’m short. The kiln is deep. Jim has always loaded and unloaded the kiln for me. There’s concern that I won’t be able to load the kiln by myself. Jim won’t be able to load the kiln at all. I’ve got two dozen little trays made. They need to be bisque fired, glazed and glaze fired.

I was looking forward to setting up at the weekly farmers market in November and December. The Saturday after Thanksgiving is a remarkably profitable day for me. Jim helps me with the market. I could probably get the EZ-Up set up by myself – provided I did enough swearing. What I cannot do is drive the truck. The truck is a standard and because of the peripheral neuropathy, I can no longer feel the clutch. It’s too dangerous for me to drive the truck. The EZ-Up won’t fit in the car. Worse, we needed both vehicles to get everything – EZ-Up, tables, jewelry, ceramics, fiber art – to the market. Setting up at the farmers market this year won’t happen.

Jim won’t be able to drive the Mini, also a standard or the truck because he won’t be able to move his right arm. So much for shifting. My car is an automatic. We’re going to be a one-car couple with wildly different schedules. We have gym memberships, but we don’t go to the same gym. I picked the gym that’s right on the way from school to the post office where I get all my mail. Very convenient. It’s not convenient for Jim which is why he has his membership at a different gym. Jim works at the local university and I get to take up to six credits for free each semester. At least we’ll be going to the same place. I’ve got classes two days a week. Although I’d love to have an 8:00 class, just about no one teaches an 8:00 class. Jim has to be at work at 7:30. My classes are both in the building next to the library so I’ll have something to do for three and a half hours before class. I’ll need to find something to do for two hours after classes and we can go home together. I have a feeling I’m going to be doing a lot of hand quilting this semester. There’s only so much studying I can do before my eyes fall out of my head.

I have my online store, Deb Thuman Art. I was considering making laptop totes to sell. Fiber art is easy and relatively inexpensive to ship. I never have to worry about fiber art getting broken. I don’t sell ceramic pieces online because of the chance of breakage and the cost of shipping. I now need to spend quality time making laptop totes. My sewing machine was in the shop for its 60,000 mile checkup and I brought it back home Thursday. I need to pick out fabrics from my 3 miles of fabric collection then start piecing a laptop tote.

I physically cannot do the things I want to do so I will have to learn to slow down. This slowing down is going to take some getting used to.

Wednesday evening, there was weird light outside so I grabbed the camera.

I’m linking with Nina Marie. Please stop by and see what other artists are doing. http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Please visit my store, Deb Thuman Art. http://DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Clay, Depression, Photography, Pottery

The Bad, The Clay, and The Good

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m depressed today. There’s a reason for the depression. On Friday, while eating French toast at Denny’s, a crown came off. That’s annoying. I called my dentist’s office wanting to ask for an appointment to glue the crown back on. My dentist is on vacation. The remaining tooth is sharp and has irritated my tongue. I have a hard time talking. I have a hard time swallowing. I’m stuck with a liquid diet. I tried eating a cracker, and had to eat like a chipmunk. Chew the cracker into dust with my front teeth. Then hope I could swallow it. Starbucks chai fappuccino helped. I’ll call my dentist’s office first thing Monday morning and take the earliest appointment I can get. I’ll be fine once the crown is back where it belongs. 

Yesterday, I got out the clay, tools, and sat down to do some work. A few weeks back, I bought some fondant tools. Great tools for working with clay. I made little trays, cut out thin pieces with the fondant cutters, and put the cut pieces in the little trays. They need to be cleaned up. I’ve no idea how I’m going to glaze them.

We went to Tucson last week for a few days. On Tuesday, we went hiking in the state park and I played with the camera. I worked on moving around to find the best angle for a shot. I had some success. We came across a few critters and I tried photographing them. I would have liked to get down on the ground and shoot them at their level, but I was afraid they would move. I discovered something interesting. I started to have twinges in my leg as we started hiking. Not wanting to push a walker up a mountain, I decided to keep walking. The pain went away! And it didn’t come back!! Instead, I annoyed the achilles tendon in my left foot. After we got back to the hotel, I put my heel on ice for a bit. Then I soaked my heel in the hot tub. No more pain and it hasn’t come back. I’d like to go back to the park and explore more of the trails. Something to plan for the next trip. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie. Stop by and see what other artists are doing. http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Please stop by my store and see the cool stuff I have for sale: Deb Thuman Art, http://debthumanart.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Clay, Fiber, Pottery, Quilts

Bring Back The Original Asylum

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’ve been thinking about the Buffalo Psychiatric Center which was originally known as the NYS Asylum.

The original purpose of the asylum was to give those with a mental illness a calm place in which to heal. New therapies were used. Patients were allowed to work on the farm and in gardens. They were allowed access to the library. They were encouraged to create useful things via weaving and woodworking. The halls were wide and the windows large. Patients were discouraged from staying in their rooms and encouraged to interact with other patients by sitting in the chairs lining the hallways and chatting. It was thought fresh air and sunshine would be a benefit and there were verandas where patients could sit outside. The purpose of the asylum was to cure patients so they could return to their families.

Eventually, the asylum turned into hell. A good portion of the land was taken over and became the campus of Buffalo State College. The farm was gone. Crafts were gone. Inmates were housed in the hallways because the facility that was designed for 600 patients suddenly had 3000 patients. Patients were tied to their beds, confined in ice baths, given insulin treatment, given electric shock treatment, given lobotomies. Inmates were dumped into what was called the Buffalo Psychiatric Center and forgotten about. No one was cured. Everyone was warehoused, mistreated, and likely over medicated. Nothing like Thorazine to keep the tortured inmates docile.

Now, we know that damage to the hippocampus – the part of the brain that is damaged when the brain’s owner suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – can be healed. The damaged neurons in the hippocampus can regenerate and heal. We know that regeneration is triggered by learning something new – such as how to manage a farm and by creativity such as weaving cloth or making items from wood. We know that fresh air and sunshine is beneficial. We know that being social is beneficial and an antidote to depression. We know that lobotomies did harm and never helped. We know that electric shock treatment was horribly overused and had little effect. We know that confining someone to an ice water bath is torture.

Can mental illness be cured? I think so. I think so even though I take a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant every day and likely will always need to take psych meds. I believe the bipolar disorder can be tempered to the point where I need significantly lower doses.

I am going through withdrawal because I need to come off cymbalta. The drug was sucking the joy out of my life. I didn’t feel like going to class. I didn’t feel like doing any reading. I didn’t feel like doing my homework. Most telling, I didn’t feel like making art. I cannot and will not live in a joyless world.

I felt bad enough one morning that I considered going to the hospital and asking to be admitted to the psych ward. While considering my options, I remembered the two psychiatrists I was forced to see – both of whom insisted that I take more drugs and higher doses. I don’t need more drugs now; I need fewer drugs. And so I didn’t go to the hospital.

Choices for those of us living with a mental illness shouldn’t consist of misery of the illness or in the alternative, misery of treating the illness and being told there’s nothing anyone can do for us besides feed us more drugs.

For the first time in months, I want to make art. I’ve got designs for two quilts worked out. One is based on an exercise done in a drawing class. I model for the art department and I get to sit in on critiques. As I learned about the drawing assignment and listened to the comments made about each drawing, a quilt started to form in my head. Yesterday, my animal physiology teacher mentioned we could come to class on 10/30 dressed in an animal physiology theme costume. Got a dandy quilt in my head for that day. I’ve also got to figure out how to do the final quilting on the nerve regeneration quilt. This weekend, I’ll do a glaze firing and maybe even make for little ceramic trays.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here.

Looking for a one of a kind gift? Please check out my store, Deb Thuman Art here.