Category: bipolar disorder

Posted in Abstract Art, bipolar disorder, Mental Illness

Mental Illness, Paint Sticks, It All Works Out Sometimes

Posted on by debthumanblog

May is Mental Illness Awareness Month. You can celebrate by reading Mark Vonnegut’s “Just Like Someone Without Mental Illness Only More So.” Mark is Kurt Vonnegut’s son. He’s also bipolar and schizophrenic. And a pediatrician. 

Although I didn’t have Mental Illness Awareness Month in mind when I pitched this idea to my painting teacher, the final critique and my explanation of my painting to the class is on May 5. For years, I’ve wanted to create art that showed people what bipolar disorder felt like. Meanwhile, the rest of the class painted a post modern piece. Post modern is supposed to be about rebellion. I had considered calling my painting “What d’ya got?” That was Marlon Brando’s famous line from the movie, The Wild One. I realized most of my classmates were born after I went through menopause and I doubt any of them would understand the reference. Instead, I call the painting, Inside Deb’s Brain. 

I had something else in mind when I started the painting, but I think where I ended up is better than where I was aiming. I aimed at smooth transitions between each part of the painting. I can’t think of a single smooth part of bipolar disorder. My brain has a mind of its own and never consults me before deciding to be manic or depressed. 

I have synesthesia. Synesthesia is when two senses respond to one stimulus and there are many forms of synesthesia. There are people who smell words. Kandinsky heard music when he looked at a color. I see energy flows as colors. I only understand two of the colors – purple and golden white. Purple is healing energy. Golden white is Divine energy. The purple in the painting represents both healing and center – the nearly impossible to attain place where I’m neither manic nor depressive. Depression is below center. Manic is above center. The painting also shows a mixed episode. The last mixed episode I had nearly killed me. I was bouncing off the ceiling while deciding how, when and where to kill myself. The terrifying part is I had no clue I was depressed.

I wanted to show golden white Divine energy, but there’s no oil paint named golden white. Nor is there iridescent oil paint. I remembered I bought Sennelier oil pastels several years ago. The paint stick origin story I read was that Picasso wanted an oil paint that didn’t dry out, didn’t spill, didn’t need solvent, was portable, and could be used on all surfaces. He almost got what he wanted. I, and a whole lot of other fiber artists, discovered oil sticks and fabric are incompatible. We were told if we set the paint with a hot iron, the paint would be permanent. Nope. That resulted in a mess on the bottom of the iron, and paint that washed out of the fabric. Plus, the sunflower oil used to suspend the pigments bled into the surrounding fabric. And so the paint sticks sat in a drawer for many years. Until I remembered I had them and they could be used over oil paint. I decided to add iridescent gold to my bipolar painting. That almost worked. I learned it’s best to plan where to use the paint sticks before starting the painting. I learned other things while not getting the expected result. I found myself putting Divine energy throughout the painting rather than in the healing part. I realized there’s Divine energy no matter what I’m feeling, so there are inexpertly applied paint stick color throughout the painting. Moral: It’s Good To Be A Packrat. 

I am linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Deb Thuman Art, my online store, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Abstract Art, bipolar disorder, Depression, Mental Illness, Psych meds, Sketchbook

Inside Deb’s Brain

Posted on by debthumanblog

Inside Deb’s brain is all manner of odd things.

My doctor knows I adjust the dosage of my antidepressant from time to time. Most of the time, I only need 100mg. When the depression gets bad, I go up to 150mg. When the depression is really bad, I go up to 200mg. Yesterday, I started with 150mg. When I felt dangerously close to suicidal, I took another 100mg for a total of 250mg. I’ve never taken that much before. 

If there’s a reason for my depression, antidepressants don’t do much. If the depression is a function of bipolar disorder, I need as much antidepressant as necessary to keep me above suicidal. A couple hours after I took the final dose, I felt normal. That’s how I know it was bipolar depression. My brain didn’t work properly. Why? Who knows? Certainly not the drug companies. Although they aggressively market selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, no one knows if there is an increase in the available serotonin. Or if any of the reuptake molecules are inhibited. 

It’s unsettling to live with a brain that has a mind of its own. To live with mood swings that aren’t caused by anything that is happening in my life. To constantly wonder if my reaction to something is a function of bipolar disorder or if “normal” people would react the way I’ve reacted. 

For years, I’ve wanted to do an art piece that shows what bipolar disorder feels like. So far, I’ve been unsuccessful. I’ve a final painting assignment for my painting class. We’re supposed to do something that’s post modern. I’ve talked with my teacher and I’m doing something that’s….I’m not sure what it is. I want to show what manic feels like. I want to show what depressed feels like. I want to show what the dreaded mixed episode – simultaneously manic and depressed – feels like. I want to show the thoughts that inhabit those episodes. 

The photo marked #1 is where the idea for the painting started. Using a brown sharpie, I wrote some of the crap my mother said to me. Using a blue sharpie, I wrote how I deal with that crap.  I thought about braiding the strips. Then I thought about sewing the strips onto fabric. I’m not sure what I will do with the strips. 

The photo marked #2 is a more or less final sketch of what the painting will look like. Most people who don’t live with a mental illness aren’t aware that there are levels of depression below suicidal. A depression so deep, you have to feel better in order to kill yourself. It sucks being that far down, but at least I’m safe there. With bipolar disorder, the choices for the mood swings are: Manic, Depressed, Mixed – where one is both manic and depressed. Mixed episodes suck.

I have a form of synesthesia. I see energy flows as colors. When I see purple flooding into my brain, I know I’m healing.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My on-line store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Garden, Mental Illness, Pain, Peripheral neuropathy, Photography

Ouch, WIND, and Iris

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m having a major neuropathy flareup. I’ve taken gabapentin,  put CBD oil in a capsule and swallowed it, 5mg of THC and my TENS unit. I’m stoned and I think I’m having hallucinations. It’s hard to know how much of what I perceive is real.  I’m also staggering around the house. And I’m still in pain. Bleah!!!

Art reliably helps with the pain. I played around making fabric designs.

The iris are blooming. The original clump got overcrowded, so Jim split the clump in two.

No idea if this will work, but here’s a GIF I had to make for my photography class. We’ve been having WIND in the desert. Right now, there’s a low pressure system blowing in. I could tell by the pain in my arthritic knuckles.

I have to put together a narrative for my photography class. So….I put together a bipolar narrative. I might have stumbled onto a way to show people what bipolar disorder feels like. That’s the beauty of being a multi-media artist. When one medium won’t work for what I want, there’s another one or two that will work. 

Rather than listen to my photography teacher explain how to do a GIF in photoshop (it’s much easier using PhotoScapeX), I played around with collages. They turn into interesting fabric designs.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonfliower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My online store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Abstract Art, bipolar disorder, Mental Illness, Photography

Things Not Working Out As I Imagined

Posted on by debthumanblog

Odd bits of art this week. First, I got the self portraits done for my painting class.

This was the unrealistic realism painting. I suck at realism, but this has a goofiness that I kind of like.

Impasto.

Abstract. I have tried for ages to come up with art that looks like bipolar disorder feels. This doesn’t exactly accomplish that, but it’s closer than previous attempts. I’m bothered by everything being the same value.

I detested the optical illusion portrait, so I killed it and tried to show how a depressive episode feels. When I planned the two abstract portraits, I thought about paintings I had seen by Kandinsky and Kiefer. Not that anyone could tell by looking at my paintings…….

I’ve got at least one and possibly two more in this bipolar series – neither have been painted yet.

This is for my photography class. We had to insert a photo into another photo. We’re supposed to use photoshop, but I detest photoshop. It offers nothing that I don’t already have. Oddly, this photo stunt is easy to accomplish in Affinity. I started with a B&W photo of a part of the art building, and inserted a smiley moon in one window.

The original plan was to take B&W photos and insert a color photo. Except when I tried to insert a color photo of Brady, the color photo turned into B&W.

Artistic commentary on drought in the desert. I had to put an overlay onto the drinking fountain photo in order for the cactus to have any color.

Obviously I need to work on this idea a bit more.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My online store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Photography

Mood Swings

Posted on by debthumanblog

Is the bipolar disorder getting worse as I grow older? Or am I finally starting to take care of myself? 

I seem to have more mood swings now than when I was younger. Used to be, it didn’t matter how I felt; I went to work, walked in to court, and represented clients. Nothing that happens in court is ever about me. It’s about the person standing next to me so why care about my mood.

What about the mood swings? There were obvious manic episodes. Like the day I threw an inch-thick pile of discovery at a witness and told the witness to go through the pile and tell me what else he had refused to turn over to me. I actually got away with that. Or the time I told a client to stop speaking immediately or I would staple his lips together. I got away with that, too. 

I didn’t realize I had a problem until I screamed at a secretary. She made a joke about me volunteering to cook the turkey for the office Christmas party. I backed her into a wall as I screamed that whoever put the fucking turkey on the menu should have to cook the fucking turkey. I made an appointment to see my doctor the next day and started on Effexor that evening. It is a sad and terrifying statement about my office that no one noticed my behavior was out of control. 

Now that I’m retired, I notice every mood swing. I think. Frequently, it’s difficult for me to notice I’ve started to move away from center. I was depressed the other day. I was above suicidal but significantly below center. I had to take a second antidepressant. My doctor knows I do this when I’m significantly depressed. Earlier in the week, I had a severe manic episode. It snowed overnight. Although the university was closed until 11:00 AM, Jim got up at 4:30 AM and went to work. I’ve been battling insomnia and had only three hours sleep. Then Brady ate my hearing aids. At least she didn’t swallow them and the damage she did chewing on them could be fixed. I spiraled so far above center that I was unable to calm down. I needed to go to school for my photography class. If I took enough klonopin that I could start to calm down, I’d be unable to drive. If I did nothing, I couldn’t function. Brushing my teeth was the extent of my self care that day. Fortunately, my photography class was held via zoom rather than in person. I didn’t need to drive anywhere, so I took a day’s worth of klonopin in one dose. I calmed down. 

The next day, I took my chewed hearing aids to the place where I got them. A half hour later, I left with hearing aids that were fixed at no charge. 

I wonder. Is the bipolar disorder really getting worse? Or am I starting to take care of myself so I’m noticing the swings? Or am I entering the Art Zone – that place where the world disappears – less frequently?

As frustrating as the photography class is, I am learning things. Embarrassing things. Things that after 42 years of serious photography I ought to know but don’t. I discovered there’s a light meter in the viewfinder. I rarely use live view because I do so much outdoor photography and the live view monitor is useless in bright sunlight. I use the viewfinder. And never noticed the light meter. Last week, I learned that I can set the focus on my camera for fine detail. Years of macro photography, and I had no idea that setting existed. 

I did some snow photography this week and used the fine detail focus setting to get some ice crystal shots. 

I sold two designs from my Spoonflower shop this week. You can find my shop here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

You can find my online store, Deb Thuman Art here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com My store is filled with jewelry and one of a kind art.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Child abuse, Depression, Emotions, PTSD

In Honor Of The 49th Anniversary of Roe v Wade

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m alive because abortion was illegal in 1952.

My mother was a violent, drunken narcissist who was single when I was born. Four years later, she married a violent drunk. Although he adopted me, something I didn’t know until I was 34, he never forgot I was someone else’s kid. I’m told to be grateful The Drunk gave me a name – the same name of a Nazi war criminal who was tried and executed by the British. The Drunk and the Nazi were related – both by blood and by hateful ideology.

My mother and The Drunk had three children – none of which my mother wanted and she made sure we knew we were unwanted. By the time I was 10, I had myself and three siblings to raise. I didn’t do a very good job; children aren’t capable of raising children. Don’t tell me to be grateful for a childhood in hell.

I endured 16 years of child abuse hell which resulted in bipolar disorder. The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 11. The last of six suicidal episodes was the fall of 2019. I live in terror that there will be another episode and eventually, an episode will kill me. Don’t tell me to be grateful.

When I was 25, I put myself through college and earned degrees in journalism and biology – even though I wasn’t allowed to take any math or science classes in high school. When I was 38, I put myself through law school.

50 years after marrying and leaving a home run by a pair of violent drunks, I still have complex PTSD. I still have flashbacks. After many years of therapy, the flashbacks are annoying rather than debilitating as they were 50 years ago. There is no cure for complex PTSD and I will have flashbacks as long as I live. Don’t tell me to be grateful for a lifetime of internal hell.

I’d have been better off if my mother had had an abortion.

Think about that the next time you want to condemn a pregnant woman to motherhood.

Posted in anxiety, Beads, bipolar disorder, Fiber, Mental Illness, Photography, Quilts

Finding My Way

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’ve been working on whole cloth quilt designs and I’ve gotten proofs for 42 of the designs. They are now in my Spoonflower shop here:  Click on “New” and all the newest designs will pop up. My shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I got my Pfizer booster shot on Thursday. On Friday, I had a reaction which wasn’t unexpected. I had a reaction after the second Pfizer shot. Brady knew there was something wrong. She insisted on sleeping in the bed with me. She covered me with puppy kisses because she’s convinced puppy kisses will cure everything that could be wrong with her human, and she brought me some of her toys to play with.

It’s not always easy living with bipolar disorder. In mid-September, I had reason to believe I had been exposed to covid. Even though I’m fully vaccinated, I could have a breakthrough infection or worse, be shedding covid virus while asymptomatic. I got the first available appointment for a covid test. The results were supposed to be available within 24 hours. The results were 9 hours late. By that time, I was having stress pains in my chest. Fortunately, the test was negative. 

Once I have a major anxiety attack, I’m susceptible to severe stress pain for a while. A friend passed away recently and the funeral was yesterday. For an assortment of reasons, there are people I never want to see again who were likely to be at the funeral. I made a plan. If I absolutely had to interact with one of these people, I’d say hello and walk off. Even with a plan designed to spare me the greatest amount of stress from seeing any of these people again, I still had severe stress pain. Fortunately, none of the people I never want to see again were there. 

Today, safe from people who tried so hard to hurt me, I’m having major stress pain. I’ve taken extra klonopin. My choices were increase the dose temporarily or have chest pain for a couple days. 

Now that I can see distances clearly, I’ve noticed I have invisible eyelashes. So I bought some mascara. Being a bit eccentric and not wanting boring brown or black mascara, I bought a tube of purple and a tube of green. If you’re going to a funeral, make sure your mascara is waterproof. Mine wasn’t. I had to try to soak up liquid purple mascara before mascara ran down my cheeks.

One of the side effects of cataract surgery is the need for reading glasses and the never ending search for my reading glasses. To that end, I’ve got more than one pair. One for my office, one for the living room so I can knit while watching TV and one for my sewing room. I’ve made beaded strings to replace the ugly string that allowed my glasses to go around my neck. 

Last night, I looked up at the sky and saw a thin slice of moon. I tried to get both the moon slice and the tree in focus but couldn’t. So I have three versions of a moon shot. 

Slice of moon. Nice, but boring.

Fuzzy moon. Almost, but I really wanted both in focus.

Moon in hiding. I like this one the best.

My online store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Beads, bipolar disorder, Brady, Depression, Fiber, PTSD

Of Frustrations and Images

Posted on by debthumanblog

Bipolar disorder sucks. Near as I can tell, I’m having a mixed episode – both manic and depressed simultaneously. My responses to things are enlarged. I’m depressed and am having problems shaking the depression. The PTSD, which is likely driving this mixed episode, has taken a miserable turn. While I still have flashbacks about growing up in a house run by a violent, drunken narcissist and her violent drunken husband, the flashbacks are no longer debilitating but they are still a nuisance. Now, I’m having flashbacks about working for the public defender department. There was a lot of trauma in that job. I moved from western New York to southern New Mexico by myself. Jim stayed in New York to sell the house. I didn’t know anyone in New Mexico. My supervisor refused to talk to me for two days when I arrived. That should have been a serious warning sign but I wanted that job so I stayed in New Mexico. Nine years later, I had to sue the department because of discrimination based on my age. I had a boss who was, to put it gently, a raving, screaming lunatic. I had 11 jobs in one year because he was trying to force me to quit.  I stuck around because I wasn’t going to let anyone screw me out of my pension. Just writing this has unearthed miserable memories. I retired when I got pushed once too often. Within two weeks of retiring, I no longer had back pain and I didn’t need medication to sleep. Within six months, I no longer needed medication to control my blood pressure. 

Brady is now five months old and she either has the doggy version of the terrible twos or the doggy version of oppositional defiant disorder. At least she seems to understand that she needs to pee and poop outside rather than on the kitchen floor. Now that I’ve given up on trying to confine Brady to the kitchen, she and the cats are having peace talks. The talks aren’t going well. I’m staying out of the discussion. 

I’ve gotten some new, exciting beads and haven’t been able to work with them. The one time Brady snuck into the sewing room where I make clothes, quilts and jewelry, she picked up a discarded scrap of fabric and proceeded to chew on it. It’s not that she could hurt the scrap, it’s that the scrap could get stuck in her throat. Although I’m home all day, creating has to wait until the weekend when Jim can occupy Brady.

Three years ago, we flew to Buffalo, NY. In part to see a quilt show, in part to see friends, in part to give me the opportunity to bury the ghosts. We went to Rushford Lake where so much misery happened to me. I found a nice spot and buried the ghosts. Several years back, I took an acting class taught be someone who understood visions and intuition. During one class, I saw my spirit dancing in the woods. My spirit was an iridescent figure. I’ve been wanting to turn that vision into a quilt. I will be having Spoonflower print up one of the photos from that trip. Now to figure out how to make an iridescent figure and to show the figure dancing. I’ve got some chiffon that might work. I’ll have to play around with this idea some more. 

When things got unbearable, I’d take a walk. Here’s where my walk would start.

Here’s where I buried the ghosts.

My birthday is Sunday and major life events happen around my birthday. I started college the week after my 25th birthday and started law school on my 38th birthday. For the first time in I forget how long, I can eat whatever I want and drink whatever I want on my birthday. For a few years, I would either have a crown pop off or a tooth break. We’ll be going to Starbucks for my free birthday drink. I’m going to be baking a pineapple upside down cake and making croissants for my birthday. I’m also planning on going to Walgreens to get a flu shot. If I get my flu shot around the time of my birthday each year, I don’t have to worry about forgetting to get the shot.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in anxiety, bipolar disorder, Fiber, Mental Illness, Photography, Quilts

Printers, Frustration, Cactus Flowers Brady & Sewing

Posted on by debthumanblog

The cacti are blooming. 

Brady barks non-stop if I put her in her crate and leave the room. So I took her into the bathroom with me so I could take a shower. While she had fun trying to drink water from the shower spray, she didn’t like it when I gave her a little squirt. She tried to wipe off the water with her paws.

Jim cut a piece of foam and I made a pillow cover so Brady has a lovely, new bed….that she refuses to lie on. The cover is made from heavy duty upholstery fabric. I pre-washed the fabric in hot water and put it in the dryer. If it’s going to shrink, I want it to shrink before I sew. The pillow cover has to be machine washable. 

I went through computer hell yesterday. First, I tried to hook up a Brother printer. Per the box, it works with Mac. Except it doesn’t. Turns out, Brother hasn’t bothered to keep up with Mac OS updates and the only Macs that it will work on are at least three updates ago. Next, I tried hooking up a Canon that’s supposed to work with Mac. Except it doesn’t. Jim is dealing with the university book store to see if it will work with a cable or in the alternative, what do they have that works with the latest OS update for Mac. All I need is a printer that prints color as well as B&W, and will scan a document. I don’t need, and am not going to pay $200+ for options I’ll never use.  So far, I’ve brought home two overpriced doorstops. 

I don’t handle frustration well and was screaming (literally) at the inscrutable instructions. Would it kill manufacturers to put some words with those schematic drawings? Canon claims to have 24/7 customer service. It doesn’t. It claims to have a chat function. It doesn’t. I don’t know how to handle situations like this. I don’t want to be screaming at instructions. I did take three klonopin, but it didn’t help. I’m at the point where if I have to try to hook up yet another printer and can’t, I’ll gladly scream (literally) at a customer service rep. If a company puts out useless products, the customer service people deserve what they get. I’ll be discussing calming techniques with my psychologist. 

I had never tried binder clips, but after having miserable experience after miserable experience sewing binding on quilts, I bought binder clips. I like them. Not only do that make binding a quilt a stress-free event, they also work better than pins at holding two pieces of heavy fabric together.

After having FMQ misery, I wrote to Superior Thread and asked for help. I bought the needles recommended on the website – 90/14 topstitch. That sort of helped, but the real solution was to use a different quilting foot. Pfaff makes a sensor automatic quilting foot and a spring quilting foot. Superior threads work best with the spring quilting foot.  

I am linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in bipolar disorder, Depression, Psych meds

At My Core, I Am Whole, Happy And At Peace

Posted on by debthumanblog

Does anyone really know who they are? I certainly don’t. I am forever a woman. I am forever an attorney. I am forever a wife. I am forever an artist. I am forever a writer. 

I never get to be all those things at once.  It’s as if my life were pieces of a broken mirror. Each piece is both the whole and a part of the whole.

All of those pieces. None ever changes. None ever leaves.

Floating above all the broken bits of mirror is bipolar disorder. I am forever mentally ill. I can medicate my illness, but I will never be free of moods that have a mind of their own. 

That’s the difference between me and the people who think they know what being mentally ill is like. I live with mental illness that will never go away. I will die being bipolar. I may die because of being bipolar. People who have bipolar disorder have a suicide rate 20 times that of the rest of the population. 

I wonder. What precipitates the deepening depression that takes me down and down until I must fight the thought that were I dead, I’d never again have to deal with bipolar disorder crap. Sometimes, I’m lucky. The depression takes me down below suicidal. It’s safe there. I’d have to feel better to kill myself. 

But what precipitates the depression? Is it a brain chemical composition that bypasses the need to survive and sends me soaring into mania or plunging into depression? Or is it the crap I endure at the mouths of those who both fear mental illness and have no clue what living with a mental illness is like. The subtle pulling away when I disclose being bipolar. The not at all subtle backing away when I disclose being bipolar. The people who exert a tremendous amount of energy in a futile attempt to shove me back into the mental illness closet. Don’t talk. Don’t disclose. Don’t upset my world with your brain. The jackass who told me he admires how I accept no shame for being bipolar. 

Damn fucking straight I don’t accept shame. 

The only difference between a mental illness and a broken leg is the location of the pain. 

The jackass’s stupidity belongs to the jackass. Fear belongs to the ignorant. Shame belongs to the jackass. Shame belongs to everyone who doesn’t fight to kill the stigma of mental illness. 

Shame doesn’t belong to me. Shame has never belonged to me. Shame will never belong to me.

You can be part of the problem. You can be part of the solution. 

To be part of the solution, listen to me. See me. Accept me when I’m in med hell with a med that no longer works for me. Accept me when I’m going through the three-month long withdrawal that always comes after discontinuing an antidepressant that no longer works for me. Accept me when I’m going through the three-month long adjustment to a new med. Accept me when I’m soaring. Accept me when I’m plunging.

Being part of the problem is easy. Being part of the solution is hard. 

You have a choice. 

I don’t. 

Posted in anxiety, Bigotry, bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Photography, Quilts

Art Heals

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’ve been working on fabric designs this week. After watching a traumatic presentation about trauma, I had to write out my feelings. You can read the post here: https://debthumanblog.wordpress.com/2021/06/25/i-am-not-broken/

There’s a quilt in there somewhere. Maybe my latest designs will help me find it.

This design might be good for a mental health quilt. The fractured triangles mirror how I feel at times.

I love positive and negative prints and to combine both in one garment.

This is what happens when I start playing around with a photo of a sunset.

Road map to getting lost in thought.

Splat.

These are all from a sunset photo. There is no end to the kinds of designs that can be made while editing.

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in anxiety, bipolar disorder, Brady, Fiber, Photography, Psych meds, Sciatica, Service Dog

Up, Down & Fuzzy

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m having a rough day. There’s no particular reason for it; it’s just part of being bipolar. I have limited energy, but I seem to be manic. Bipolar disorder doesn’t have to make sense, but I have to live with bipolar disorder. Meds help dull the extremes, but they don’t cure bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is always with me. Sometimes just under the surface. Sometimes exploding through the surface. 

Brady, the Australian labradoodle puppy I have, did something remarkable today. She could smell my distress and instinctively leaned up against me – something psychiatric service dogs are trained to do. Of course a couple hours later, she decorated the kitchen floor with poop and pee. It’s not easy being a puppy. Not easy being the puppy’s human, either. 

Good thing Brady didn’t like the doggy wading pool Jim found in the garbage. The pool grew legs the other day. Now, there’s a security camera covering the back of the house.

The sciatica is still hanging around. I’m able to walk farther, but farther is a relative term. It means I can walk out the back door with Brady, so 10 feet to her potty spot, and then come back in the house. I need to exercise. Brady gets separation anxiety whenever I leave the kitchen. She’s not ready yet to have the run of the house so I have to keep her in the kitchen. I’m sure the healing process has stretched out because of how inactive I’ve been.

We seem to be surrounded by randy quail. So far, I’ve counted four batches of day-old baby quail. When I shoot quail, I have to do it through the sliding glass door. As long as the quail aren’t aware of me, they don’t run off. While I would have liked to have my 150-600mm lens on the camera, what was on the camera was my 18-400mm lens. Taking the time to change lenses would have meant missing the shots. I played around with cropping the shot when I was editing. The John Prine fuzz on the baby quail’s head cracks me up. 

The original shot. While this is the quail version of Where’s Waldo, it’s easy to see how tiny day-old quail are.

The first crop. Quail are easier to find, but they look bigger than they are in real life.

The second crop. Almost there. There’s more detail, but the edit didn’t seem right.

The third crop.

My Spoonflower order is now about 40 miles away and I likely won’t get my package until Monday. Sigh. I really want to start making undies although my time in the sewing room is limited to when Jim is home. There are too many places in the sewing room where Brady can get into trouble. I’d go into the sewing room, which is off the kitchen, and close the door, but Brady has severe separation anxiety. I’m trying to help her with that, but I don’t seem to have made much progress.

Brady likes to hide out in the pet carrier in the kitchen. I think it’s because it’s dark inside the carrier and she feels safe in her den. She’s not fond of the crate we have for her. I decided to make the crate more den like. I took a sheet, crudely attached the sheet to the crate, and created a darkened den. I put Brady’s toys in her new den. She refuses to go inside the den.

I’ve been playing around with designs that might make interesting fabric. Here’s the latest:

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My on-line store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Brady, Depression, Emotions, Jewelry, Peripheral neuropathy, Photography

Shattered Pieces of My Brain

Posted on by debthumanblog

I intended to shoot several necklaces so I could list the necklaces in my store, Deb Thuman Art http://www.DebThumanArt.com. I shot just one necklace before my lower back started to hurt. I’m getting better, but I’m still having to push a walker to get around. Yesterday, I intended to do some cleaning in the sewing room so I’d have a larger space in which to work. I picked up something that was too heavy and I hurt my lower back. Having a neuropathy flare up rounds out the physical miseries. 

I can’t photograph yucca blooms because I can’t push a walker uphill through sand. I can’t sew because I can’t remove the clutter from the room. I can’t walk Brady because I can’t walk far without my walker. Brady doesn’t understand why she can’t run and play if I’m holding her leash. 

Brady is going through a growth spurt. Suddenly, her legs are too long for her body. She’s also faster than the speeding shutter. 

My brain is dark. After my only ketamine treatment, my brain felt full and bright. Now, two and a half months later, my brain is dark again. So. Do I ask for another ketamine treatment? Do I ask to be a participant in a clinical trial for LSD or MDMA? Or do I just go forward and hope for the best? I don’t remember what happy feels like. I’ve been depressed for more than 60 years. Which is depressing. I’m not suicidal. I’m not happy. Right now, I feel like my life is all broken pieces. Pick up a piece, have pain, drop a piece. 

I’ve got 42 new fabric designs in my Spoonflower shop. https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Spoonflower had a sale, I had Spoon Dollars – commission on fabric designs that have been sold – and I needed underwear. Soon, five 1-yard pieces of fabric I designed will arrive at my door. Yes, I will post photos of the finished underwear. No, I will not be modeling the underwear. You’re welcome.

I’m linking with Nina Marie http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Photography, Service Dog

Starting Down The Road to Being Normal

Posted on by debthumanblog

I suppose there was a time when I wasn’t mentally ill, but I have no memory of that time. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out where I am in relation to center. Above center is manic. Below center is depressed. Depression has levels. Depressed, suicidal, below suicidal where I’d have to feel better in order to kill myself.

I’ve been wanting a service dog. I searched the internet for service dogs. The one-size-fits-no one pre-trained service dogs aren’t trained for bipolar disorder. Eventually, someone took pity on me and recommended a trainer in Alamogordo (about an hour north of where I live). The trainer comes to your home and trains both you and the dog simultaneously. Brady’s puppy training starts tomorrow.

Once I found a trainer, I needed to find a dog. I tried looking in the local animal shelter. Every dog in there was 2 years old. Yeah, sure. Every dog was part pit bull. I’ve seen how vicious pit bulls can be and they aren’t appropriate for service dogs. Eventually, I decided on a labradoodle. The first labradoodles were bred to be a service dog for a woman who was visually impaired and whose husband was allergic to dogs. I contacted a breeder about three hours north of where I live. That breeder refused to sell a puppy to anyone who had never had a puppy. That’s like saying you can’t eat broccoli because you’ve never eaten broccoli. Eventually, I found a breeder near Pueblo, Colorado. Quite a few of her puppies have gone on to be service dogs.

This is Brady.

She is now 9 weeks old and we got her this past Saturday. It was a 9-hour drive home and I’m surprised how well behaved she was. I had gotten her a Snuggle Puppy and I made the heart beat. It’s supposed to mimic the mother’s heart.

For a few days, she was calm. That changed yesterday. She discovered her legs are made of springs. She decided to pee all over the kitchen floor. I can’t put down piddle pads because Brady thinks they are chew toys. Today, she seems more calm.

Jim brought home a tennis ball for her. She likes bounding and prancing after it as it bounces across the room.

Nap time.

At the moment, I have a sciatica attack down my left leg. It’s getting better, but I’m still pushing a walker around. Between the walker and a new puppy, I haven’t been able to do much creatively. Bleah.

I did manage to photograph some weather.

Rain on the mountain.

End of the blooms on the ocotillo bushes.

I sold one of my fabric designs in my Spoonflower shop this week. You can find my Spoonflower shop here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Looking for a great gift or something special for yourself? My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Photography

Wind, Ketamine, and Quilts

Posted on by debthumanblog

March 13, 2021. Exactly one year ago today, I got an email telling me the university would shut down at noon. My geology lab conveniently ended at noon. Four days later, New Mexico shut down. Since then, I’ve had chronic insomnia, extreme anxiety, depression so bad I couldn’t stop crying, and I’ve gained weight. I got my first covid vaccine shot on March 7, and the second shot will be March 28. I miss eating a meal in a restaurant, but it’s too dangerous to do so. There’s outdoor dining, but that’s also dangerous. It’s spring, and we’re having WIND. The kind of WIND that picks up dust, sand, pollen, small children left unattended, and blows them around and causes an allergic reaction in my nose. Today, the high temperature will be 52 degrees. Not picnic weather. 

Being in the midst of a massive, severe depressive episode and being desperate, I had a ketamine infusion. It was interesting. After a half liter of saline mixed with ketamine finished dripping into my hand, my brain felt full. It felt like a lot was going on in my brain. I felt almost happy. Four days later, I still feel the effects, but I also feel myself sliding back into severe anxiety and depression. The customary protocol is two ketamine sessions a week for three weeks. There’s no way I could have ketamine that often. My brain might explode. I’m considering having an infusion every couple weeks until I finish six infusions. 

I’ve tried again to take decent photos of the socks I’ve made. I’m getting closer, but still not completely happy with my shots. 

I like the composition of this one, but I didn’t pay enough attention to where the edges of the felt were. I couldn’t crop out all the cardboard without cutting off part of the socks.

Finally, there are signs of life in my yard. The buds on the claret cup cactus should open in a few days. 

The buds on the claret cup cactus should start opening within the next week.

I finally figured out how to do free motion quilting without the thread breaking. I used the FMQ foot that came with my machine, Pfaff Quilt Expressions 4.2. Thread broke. I change to a 90/14 topstitch needle which Superior Thread recommends to use with King Tut thread. Thread broke. I cleaned the machine. I rethreaded the machine. I tried a Superior Thread titanium coated 90/14 needle. Thread broke. Having run out of ideas, I tried the spring loaded FMQ foot that’s made by Pfaff, but didn’t come with my machine. Finally, no thread breaking! It shouldn’t have been that hard to find a solution.

I need to come up with something spectacular for an assignment in my neurobiology class. I’ve decided to quilt my mental health as it deteriorated in the past year. 

Isolation. I finished the quilting and the basting stitches have been removed. I had problems with the binding and needed to rip out part of the stitching. Except I can no longer see that well up close. I plan on cutting off the binding and putting different binding on the quilt.

Depression. This one gets quilted after I finish the quilting on the crane quilt.

I had something different in mind when I made this quilt, but now I think it works for the isolation I’ve felt.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower store is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman