Posted in Uncategorized

Creative Drought

I can either wait, and wait, and wait until this passes, or I can try and draw myself out of the muck. Nothing is rolling around in my brain. No images demanding to be made. No feelings demanding a voice. Nothing.

I sat down with my iPad and started drawing. It didn’t have to be good, just an idea. I’ve often made quilts (and paintings) about my inner turmoil. Maybe it’s time to make a quilt about my foot.

I thought about showing physical pain from peripheral neuropathy. I thought about showing pain from the surgery I had to put my foot back together after I broke it, and the marbles I have to pick up with my toes. The marbles are part of the physical therapy that will strengthen my arch. The foot looks weird because when I broke my foot, the arch collapsed. After the surgery, my food is weird looking.

The brown, oblong things with the holes are the plates attached to my bones. The silver thing is the screw that holds the plates in place. The screw may or may not be removed in a few months. The triangles are like the pain from the neuropathy. Sometimes sharp, sometimes dull. The coral round things are the marbles I need to pick up with my toes.

Surgery left me with a foot that looks like it merged with an erector set. I no longer have pain from the surgery, but I do have pain from the fallen arch of my foot.

I’ve no idea if this drawing is something I want to make into a quilt. I do want to keep playing around with my iPad and try and come up with something.

I will be starting EMDR on Monday. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR has been quite successful treating PTSD and CPTSD. Maybe some of the very hurt, scared and confused child can come out in a quilt.

Meanwhile, I’ve had success selling my fabric designs on Spoonflower https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

If you are looking for one-of-a-kind jewelry, my online store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: https://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Uncategorized

The End of Inhumane Secrecy

Recently, New York started allowing adoptees to get a copy of their original, pre-adoption birth certificate with the names of the birth parents. When I joined ALMA – Adoptees Liberty Movement Association – in 1987, pre adoption records could only be obtained on the black market. The price all throughout the east coast and as far west as Texas was $1500.00. I thought it remarkable that the entire black market had the same price. That smacks of an organization controlling access.

Instead, I spent hours and hours in Erie County Hall looking up property records. I spent hours and hours in the basement of Erie County Hall looking at jury records, immigration records and anything else that I could find. I discovered that my family on my mother’s side isn’t from Germany. On my great-great-grandfather’s immigration papers, he renounced allegiance to the kind of Prussia. They were from Dittersdorf, East Prussia.

I found my great-grandmother’s marriage records and discovered that she was several months pregnant when she got married. When I was born, my great-grandfather, perhaps remembering his own history, put a silver dollar in my hand.

For $45, I got documentation that originally I was not only not allowed to have by law, but was also not allowed to even know existed..

This is my original birth certificate. My mother made up my father’s middle name. What she didn’t know until I found my father and later told her is that my middle name, Lee, is a Harmon family name. It’s also my father’s middle name. It was the name of my great-grandfather. He died in the Chieftain Mine in West Virginia on his first day of work. My great-grandmother was pregnant. She likely was thrown out of mine company owned housing. She went back to live with her parents and never remarried.

I didn’t know that birth certificates were two pages. I didn’t know that my mother was tested for syphilis while she was pregnant. I’ve no idea if that was something only done to single women or if all pregnant women had to be tested for syphilis.

This is the last page of my order of adoption. It was all but impossible to get records unsealed. What shocks me is that my mother and The Drunk would have had to agree to let me see my own records.

And to Judge Jacob A. Latona, here’s a single finger salute. I got my records and I didn’t need a judge’s permission.

Why is all this important? Have you ever filled out a medical history that included you, your parents and your siblings? I used to just write: Pursuant to NYS Domestic Relations Law sec. 100-140 inclusive, I am not allowed to know the answers to any of these questions. My knowledge of my medical history came from finding my father and requesting death records of his father, brother, and grandmother.

Have you ever tried to do a family history perhaps through Ancestry? If you’re an adoptee, there’s no history. No story about where your family came from. No finding out about family heroes and family embarrassments. Every family has both.

After I found my father, I discovered I’m Scott-Irish on his side. That explains all the times I have been asked if I’m Irish. All that searching showed me I’m Polish on my mother’s side. Further searching and a chance reading of a novel showed me my grandmother’s horrible German was Yiddish. We aren’t just Polish, we are Polish Jews.

I worship in a temple, I celebrate Jewish holidays, and I treasure Hibernian Heritage Day (March 17) when I can celebrate who I’ve always been….a Scott-Irish, Polish Jew.

Posted in Photography, Sewing

No Kings and Other Things

I wanted to go to the No Kings demonstration yesterday. I planned on it. I didn’t go.

I’m still doing rehab following a broken foot. I can only stand for so long or walk so far without a walker. Because the demonstration was in a park, I’d have to be pushing a walker over grass. That’s not easy. It meant if there had been any sort of problem and I needed to leave in a hurry, or out run a bullet, I couldn’t. I still planned on going. I had wanted to photograph the demonstration. I got up, looked at the air quality index, and realized I needed to stay home. The air quality was solidly in the poor range.

Our poor air quality, which has been going on for several days, is because of two wildfires in the Gila Wilderness. The fires are more than 200 miles west of us so we are in no danger from the fires. All the crud in the air from the fires is blithely floating by my house. This is causing an allergic reaction.

This is what I saw the other night. Looks pretty, right?

Tweaking the photo in editing shows what the camera “saw”. Those vivid blues are courtesy of air pollution from the fires.

I saw photos of the local No Kings demonstration this morning. There were more people than I expected. There was someone with a “Free Palestine” sign. Apparently this person is utterly ignorant of Israel’s history. Israel left Gaza in 2005. In 2006, led by hatred, the people of Gaza voted Hamas into power.

Another person was wearing a keffiheh. The only reason for anyone in this country to wear such a thing is to advertise the wearer’s hatred of Jews.

I’m now glad I stayed home.

I’m slowly recovering from the broken foot and have been able to do some photography outside.

The Dona Ana Mountains about a half hour after sunrise.

The view from my backyard a half hour after sunrise. Yes, I know there’s a dead yucca spike smack in the middle of the shot. Yes, I know it shouldn’t be there.

This was taken about an hour before sunset last night. I liked how the light was on the cactus.

This is what a cactus dying from thirst looks like. Note the tiny tuna developing on the cactus pad. There were incredibly few blooms in the desert this spring. We had less than half the average amount of rain last year. When the annual rainfall is about 10 inches, missing half of it is disastrous. Monsoon season – don’t laugh that’s what it’s called here – started June 1. Since then, we’ve had less than a half inch of rain.

I had made a couple pairs of pajama bottoms from knit fabric I got at JoAnn’s. The fabric had an incredibly short lifespan and developed holes faster than I could patch them. That’s what happens with cheap fabric. I hit a sale at Mood and bought cotton knit for three pairs of pajama bottoms. I started on one pair yesterday.

This is for the pair that’s in progress.

A future pair.

The other future pair.

Because fabric from Mood is so often wider than what I could get from JoAnn’s, I’m discovering I can make gym shorts and pajama bottoms from the fabric. I need gym shorts as well as pajamas.

I’ve had more sales from my Spoonflower shop, https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My on-line store where I sell my art, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: https://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in Depression

Today’s Mood: Depressed

Today is Father’s Day, a day I hate. I didn’t have a father. The violent drunk my mother married never forgot that I was someone else’s kid. I tried talking to him after I found out I was adopted. He said he wasn’t my real father. That explains why I was never his real daughter. That explains why he gave his kids an allowance but didn’t give me an allowance until I begged for one. This explains why he hit me but not his real kids. I’d share a happy memory, but there are none. I’m supposed to be grateful that he gave me a name. I had a perfectly good name before I was adopted. Instead, I’m the family shame because my mother wasn’t married when I was born. That was a big deal in 1952. She married The Drunk a month before my fourth birthday because she didn’t want to send me to school without a father. That was for her benefit. She was a violent, drunken narcissist and never did anything for anyone else’s benefit.

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are days when I am forced to remember that I never had parents.

Today is Tina’s yahrzeit – the anniversary of her death according to the Hebrew calendar. On the civil calendar, her anniversary is June 24. Of the three siblings I grew up with, she was the only one who seemed to like me.

And so I’m depressed. I’ll be okay as soon as the antidepressant kicks in.