Month: January 2022

Posted in anxiety, Judiasm, Photography, Suicide

Life As I See It

Posted on by debthumanblog

I did the final shots for Shalom Shabbat and Yahrzeit. Yahrzeit was shot at the beginning of the yahrzeit for the person I knew who committed suicide three years ago. Then, I let the candle burn down and thought about how the person’s life burned down and disappeared. I still don’t understand why the suicide happened and I’m not enthralled with the idea I will never understand. This is the first time I was able to say kaddish. I broke down after the first two words and had to force myself to say the rest of the prayer.

Shabbat Shalom
Yahrzeit

I’ve taken a few more shots for the sense of place assignment for my photography class. I made the decision that I’ll do the assignments that interest me and forget about the rest. It’s a difficult class. The subject matter isn’t difficult – it’s the class itself that is causing severe anxiety. The class is taught by a grad student. I’ve had grad student teachers before and some are fantastic. This grad student is far from fantastic. She proclaimed Annie Leibowitz is a fashion photographer. Certainly what John Lennon was wearing in the famous shot taken a few hours before he was killed was fashion forward. I had no idea Rolling Stone had a fashion section. Yes, Leibowitz shot several covers for Vogue, but those shots are clearly portrait shots. To shoot a good portrait shot, you have to focus on the person’s eyes. Fashion photography focuses on the clothing. The covers Leibowitz shot focus on the face and the clothing is an after thought. The student next to me said that Georgia O’Keeffe was “some sort of artist, I think.” I live in southern New Mexico and it’s impossible for me to imagine any art student here isn’t familiar with Georgia O’Keeffe’s work. I try not to have physical reactions to things the other students say, but I did a face plant when I heard that. 

I started playing around with a photo of a bunny-munched prickly pear cactus pad.

I got out the macro lens to shoot yucca seed pods.

Apparently 14 years is the lifespan of an iPod. I had to break down and buy an iPod Touch. When I want music, I want music. I don’t want texts. I don’t want phone calls. I don’t want games. If I’m going to watch a movie, it won’t be on a 4” screen. I blasted off all the apps I have never used on my iPhone and certainly would never use on an iPod. Next, I had to buy new earbuds. The ones I had will only pair on one ear. I bought a set of JBL earbuds. They stay in my ears and both pair with the iPod. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Emotions, Fiber, Grief, Photography, Quilts, Suicide

Candlelight

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m taking a photography class at the local university. The class is being taught by a grad student. I’m the only one in the class who has worked with film. My first single lens reflex camera was a Valentine’s Day present in 1980. Canon – AT1, the last fully manual camera Canon made. I loved that camera, I still have it, and it’s older than everyone in my class. My current camera, a DSLR Canon 90D, was a Valentine’s Day gift in 2020.

We’re assigned to take a series of photos showing a sense of place, but not the usual chamber of commerce type shots.

These are studies for two photos.

Shabbat Shalom

Shabbat shalom means sabbath peace. I made the quilt after a terrorist armed with an assault rifle walked into the Tree of Life synagog in Pittsburgh and killed 11 people. When congregants were allowed back into the sanctuary, they saw blood spatter and brain matter on the walls. The blue in the middle is Chai, the Hebrew word meaning Life. On shabbat, two candles are lit to celebrate the beginning of shabbat. The candleholders – which can be elaborate or simple – are a ceramic pair I made specifically for shabbat candles. The final shot will be taken after dark and with the candles lit. I wanted to get as much of the shot as possible set up in advance.

Yahrzeit

Three years ago, someone I knew killed himself. Tonight begins his yahrzeit – the anniversary of his death. The quilt is one I made in an attempt to make sense of his suicide. I’ll be taking the formal shot after sundown and lighting the yahrzeit candle.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Child abuse, Depression, Emotions, PTSD

In Honor Of The 49th Anniversary of Roe v Wade

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m alive because abortion was illegal in 1952.

My mother was a violent, drunken narcissist who was single when I was born. Four years later, she married a violent drunk. Although he adopted me, something I didn’t know until I was 34, he never forgot I was someone else’s kid. I’m told to be grateful The Drunk gave me a name – the same name of a Nazi war criminal who was tried and executed by the British. The Drunk and the Nazi were related – both by blood and by hateful ideology.

My mother and The Drunk had three children – none of which my mother wanted and she made sure we knew we were unwanted. By the time I was 10, I had myself and three siblings to raise. I didn’t do a very good job; children aren’t capable of raising children. Don’t tell me to be grateful for a childhood in hell.

I endured 16 years of child abuse hell which resulted in bipolar disorder. The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 11. The last of six suicidal episodes was the fall of 2019. I live in terror that there will be another episode and eventually, an episode will kill me. Don’t tell me to be grateful.

When I was 25, I put myself through college and earned degrees in journalism and biology – even though I wasn’t allowed to take any math or science classes in high school. When I was 38, I put myself through law school.

50 years after marrying and leaving a home run by a pair of violent drunks, I still have complex PTSD. I still have flashbacks. After many years of therapy, the flashbacks are annoying rather than debilitating as they were 50 years ago. There is no cure for complex PTSD and I will have flashbacks as long as I live. Don’t tell me to be grateful for a lifetime of internal hell.

I’d have been better off if my mother had had an abortion.

Think about that the next time you want to condemn a pregnant woman to motherhood.

Posted in Fiber, Peripheral neuropathy, Photography, Sewing

Progress???

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’m still decluttering and organizing the sewing room. It seems as if I get one spot clean, and the mess moves to another spot. 

I’m finding odds and ends of fabric and I’ve an idea how to use those. The city of Las Cruces has a new ordinance – no single use plastic bags. If a vendor puts your purchases into a paper bag, the vendor must charge 10 cents per bag. Then the vendor must give 5 cents from each bag to the city. Eventually, I’ll go back to setting up at the Farmers Market. I don’t want to keep a second set of books to record how many paper bags and then fill out extra forms to give the city a nickel per bag. The solution: fabric bags. Bags will be assorted sizes. Either buy my art and don’t expect a fabric bag free of charge, buy a bag along with my art, buy just a bag, or bring a bag with you. I’m considering making some larger bags and sewing zippered pockets onto the bag. It’s nice not to have to fish for your car keys after shopping. Just find the zippered pocket. Some bags will be muslin. Some bags will be upholstery fabric. Some bags will have some sort of applique made from small odds and ends of fabric. More than 10 years ago, a friend bought one of my fancier upholstery bags to give to her granddaughter. That bag went through high school, college, and is now going through grad school. 

I have been doing a bit of photography. Last night, there was a smiling moon and I’ve been wanting to shoot a smiling moon. Ideally, I would have used my 150-600mm zoom lens and a tripod. Instead, I had a neuropathy flare up. CBD massage oil, CBD oil put into a capsule, gabapentin and marijuana. I wasn’t as steady on my feet as I would have liked and I don’t want to destroy my photography gear. Instead, I used my 18-400mm zoom lens and skipped the tripod. I’m not in love with this shot, but I’m not disappointed, either. 

Art is a reliable way to kill neuropathy pain, so I’ve been doing some shooting when I’m in pain. That gave me golden hour shots and some sunset shots. 

This one was taken about 45 minutes before sundown. These are the Dona Ana Mountains about six miles behind my house. One of these days, I need to go hiking in these mountains. They are actually part of the caldera of a very long-dead volcano.

I’ve been playing with my photos again and will eventually turn these photos into fabric designs. 

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Brady, Fiber, Photography, PTSD, Sewing

Decluttering. Organizing. Cleaning.

Posted on by debthumanblog

Sewing room decluttering, organizing, and deep cleaning continues. I found three incredibly dusty thread organizers I had forgotten I had. This is good because I have more thread than the new thread organizers I bought can hold. I’m putting together a box of goodies to be donated to a thrift store. I’ve kept the wooden thread spools because of memories. My grandfather would hammer four nails into the top of an empty wooden thread spool and I’m make yarn ropes. This was a way to keep me occupied, and I thought they were wonderful toys. I’ve no idea what I’m going to do with the spools, but I can’t bring myself to throw them out. Some memories need to be kept.

I’ve put 84 new deigns into my Spoonflower shop including several whole cloth designs. You can find them here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

We’ve had some wild weather the last few days and I photographed the storm blowing in and the resulting rain and mountain eating fog. 

Brady is now 35 pounds. Jim took her to the shop and let her zoom. Here, she’s taking a brief rest. She’s got boundless energy. She plays hard, then she sleeps hard to prepare for the next zoom.

PTSD sometimes takes a while to appear. I’m now having flashbacks from the hell I went through at the public defender office from February 2007 to November 12, 2015 when I retired. I’ll have to work on this with my psychologist. I believe flashbacks are my brain’s way of indicating that I can now process the emotions I had during the trauma. I get tired of the flashbacks. I lived through the crap once and I’ve no desire to live through it a second time.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My online store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com