Month: May 2021

Posted in bipolar disorder, Brady, Depression, Emotions, Jewelry, Peripheral neuropathy, Photography

Shattered Pieces of My Brain

Posted on by debthumanblog

I intended to shoot several necklaces so I could list the necklaces in my store, Deb Thuman Art http://www.DebThumanArt.com. I shot just one necklace before my lower back started to hurt. I’m getting better, but I’m still having to push a walker to get around. Yesterday, I intended to do some cleaning in the sewing room so I’d have a larger space in which to work. I picked up something that was too heavy and I hurt my lower back. Having a neuropathy flare up rounds out the physical miseries. 

I can’t photograph yucca blooms because I can’t push a walker uphill through sand. I can’t sew because I can’t remove the clutter from the room. I can’t walk Brady because I can’t walk far without my walker. Brady doesn’t understand why she can’t run and play if I’m holding her leash. 

Brady is going through a growth spurt. Suddenly, her legs are too long for her body. She’s also faster than the speeding shutter. 

My brain is dark. After my only ketamine treatment, my brain felt full and bright. Now, two and a half months later, my brain is dark again. So. Do I ask for another ketamine treatment? Do I ask to be a participant in a clinical trial for LSD or MDMA? Or do I just go forward and hope for the best? I don’t remember what happy feels like. I’ve been depressed for more than 60 years. Which is depressing. I’m not suicidal. I’m not happy. Right now, I feel like my life is all broken pieces. Pick up a piece, have pain, drop a piece. 

I’ve got 42 new fabric designs in my Spoonflower shop. https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Spoonflower had a sale, I had Spoon Dollars – commission on fabric designs that have been sold – and I needed underwear. Soon, five 1-yard pieces of fabric I designed will arrive at my door. Yes, I will post photos of the finished underwear. No, I will not be modeling the underwear. You’re welcome.

I’m linking with Nina Marie http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Photography, Service Dog

Starting Down The Road to Being Normal

Posted on by debthumanblog

I suppose there was a time when I wasn’t mentally ill, but I have no memory of that time. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out where I am in relation to center. Above center is manic. Below center is depressed. Depression has levels. Depressed, suicidal, below suicidal where I’d have to feel better in order to kill myself.

I’ve been wanting a service dog. I searched the internet for service dogs. The one-size-fits-no one pre-trained service dogs aren’t trained for bipolar disorder. Eventually, someone took pity on me and recommended a trainer in Alamogordo (about an hour north of where I live). The trainer comes to your home and trains both you and the dog simultaneously. Brady’s puppy training starts tomorrow.

Once I found a trainer, I needed to find a dog. I tried looking in the local animal shelter. Every dog in there was 2 years old. Yeah, sure. Every dog was part pit bull. I’ve seen how vicious pit bulls can be and they aren’t appropriate for service dogs. Eventually, I decided on a labradoodle. The first labradoodles were bred to be a service dog for a woman who was visually impaired and whose husband was allergic to dogs. I contacted a breeder about three hours north of where I live. That breeder refused to sell a puppy to anyone who had never had a puppy. That’s like saying you can’t eat broccoli because you’ve never eaten broccoli. Eventually, I found a breeder near Pueblo, Colorado. Quite a few of her puppies have gone on to be service dogs.

This is Brady.

She is now 9 weeks old and we got her this past Saturday. It was a 9-hour drive home and I’m surprised how well behaved she was. I had gotten her a Snuggle Puppy and I made the heart beat. It’s supposed to mimic the mother’s heart.

For a few days, she was calm. That changed yesterday. She discovered her legs are made of springs. She decided to pee all over the kitchen floor. I can’t put down piddle pads because Brady thinks they are chew toys. Today, she seems more calm.

Jim brought home a tennis ball for her. She likes bounding and prancing after it as it bounces across the room.

Nap time.

At the moment, I have a sciatica attack down my left leg. It’s getting better, but I’m still pushing a walker around. Between the walker and a new puppy, I haven’t been able to do much creatively. Bleah.

I did manage to photograph some weather.

Rain on the mountain.

End of the blooms on the ocotillo bushes.

I sold one of my fabric designs in my Spoonflower shop this week. You can find my Spoonflower shop here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Looking for a great gift or something special for yourself? My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Fiber, Peripheral neuropathy, Photography

Ouch

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’ve no idea what I did, but I now have sciatica. Again. Bleah! And so I’m pushing around a walker and discovering how many places I can’t go in my home. The door to the walk-in closet is too narrow to accommodate my walker. So is the door to the pantry and the door to the guest bathroom. As long as I don’t want to eat or wear clothes, everything is wonderful.

I have missed about half the blooming season for claret cup cacti. The ocotillo are blooming and the blooms last only a few days. The red yucca are starting to bloom. Yesterday, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I grabbed my camera and pushed my walker out the front door. Shooting from a sitting position is interesting. There are 4 hours a day considered “golden hours.” Two hours after sunrise and two hours before sunset. Yes, that’s nice light. It’s important to know how to shoot is less than perfect light. Cloud cover. Fog. Middle of the day. That’s why I take advantage of the rare cloudy day and even rarer fog.  Now, I’m learning how to shoot sitting down. 

Red yucca buds and blooms.

Blooming ocotillo.

I need to make curtains for the bedroom, bathroom and laundry room. Before we moved to New Mexico, Jim worked for Gunlocke in New York’s Southern Tier. Gunlocke makes high end furniture. If a customer wanted furniture upholstered in something other than stock fabric, the leftover custom fabric is kept for a certain length of time and then put in the company store. Employees could buy fabric for $1 a yard. Some of the fabric Jim bought retailed for $70 a yard. That was 22 years ago. Before we moved, Jim bought as much upholstery fabric as possible. If it fit in the truck, he bought it. He’d buy fabric a couple times a week. I still have some of that fabric. We went through my upholstery fabric stash and I found some cream colored fabric for the bedroom and some teal fabric for the bathroom and laundry room. Why upholstery fabric? Because it’s necessary to block the sun in the summer or the house will be unbearably hot. Upholstery fabric means I can have fabric heavy enough to block the sun and I won’t have to make lining for the curtains. 

I’ve developed an allergy to the laundry detergent I was using. Jim brought home a large container of Ecos. It’s a laundry detergent that doesn’t have coloring or scent. It’s a great choice if one has an allergy to laundry detergent. Now, I have to wash all of my clothes and all of the bedding. This wouldn’t be so bad if I could get a basket of laundry outside and hang clothes on the line. It’s tough to push a walker loaded with a laundry basket and almost as tough getting over the step by the sliding glass door. I’m washing, Jim is hanging. 

Next, I noticed I’m having a rash where I was putting the electrodes for my TENS unit. The TENS unit is one of the ways I kill the pain from peripheral neuropathy. The rash is on the top of my foot which eliminates a number of places I could put the electrodes. I’m having a neuropathy flare up. Bleah. 

I ordered proofs of designs from Spoonflower yesterday. After the proofs arrive, I’ll put 40+ fabric designs into my Spoonflower shop here https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman The fabric the proofs are on is used as the backing for quilts. 

Yesterday, I played around with editing and came up with some fabric designs.

This is what happened when I played around with the red yucca flower photo above.

I love working with a positive and negative print. I need to play around more with that.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store containing hand-knit socks, hand-knit scarves, jewelry, and some of Jim’s art is here http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in Child abuse, Emotions

Celebrating Swimming Against The Current

Posted on by debthumanblog

I detest Mother’s Day. I grew up in a house run by a violent, drunken narcissist and her violent drunken husband. My mother had four children she didn’t want and made sure we knew she didn’t want us. We used to go camping when I was a kid. As we would pull into a campground, we’d be asked if we have any pets. “No, just four rotten kids.” She thought she was funny. Ha. Ha. Ha. 

Later, my narcissistic mother would tell my siblings if I were invited to the party, christening, First Communion, or other family functions, she wouldn’t come. My siblings, who have oatmeal where their backbones should be, always acquiesced. 

Once, I made the mistake of asking my mother and the drunk to go with me to my psychologist. 
During my session, my mother told me, “No one likes you and you know that’s true.” 

I cannot honor a mother who hated me. 

I’ve never wanted children and I made sure I never got pregnant. I cringe when clerks and servers wish me a happy mother’s day. Why do these people assume I have children? 

I cannot participate in a day where I’m constantly reminded I didn’t buy into the Feminine Mystique. The undercurrent of their wishes is that I’m somehow not normal.  

 I’ll spend tomorrow being grateful that my email box will no longer be filled with ads for mother’s day. I’ll be grateful that the ugly memories can be safely put away for another year. I’ll rejoice that I had the courage to swim upstream.