It’s Dark And I Can’t Find The Light

Mental illness and a pandemic is a rough combination. I thought I was going to have to be hospitalized Friday. It was bad enough I had Jim call the HMO and the hospital. I watched a cooking show by one of my favorite chefs Saturday and my mood brightened…..then slowly sank. It’s hard to explain what happened. I started crying on Friday and could not stop. I added an extra mood stabilizer and doubled my antidepressant. My doctor knows I do this. The problem is finding a dose high enough to keep me stable yet low enough that I don’t turn into a zombie. This is common with psych meds. I still couldn’t stop crying. I don’t do well with customer service under the best of conditions and for some reason, the HMO won’t ever give me an accurate answer. They only give Jim an accurate answer. So Jim spent quality time on the phone with me telling him what to ask. 

To get to the only psych ward in the county, I’d have to go to the ER. If I have severe abdominal pain and I go to the ER, the copay is $250. If I have severe mental illness and go to the ER, the copay is $500. Plus there’s a $350 deductible that has to be paid. $850, and all that gets me is an expensive quick eval. But wait! I don’t get that until I have prior authorization from the HMO. Translated: make sure I know at least a month in advance if I’m going to be suicidal. Per the HMO, the hospital starts the prior authorization. If the HMO denies authorization, I’m stuck paying several thousand dollars out of pocket. I’m not suicidal, thank you God so I likely wouldn’t be admitted. We’re having a little covid crisis here. And a lack of vaccine. Plus, I’ve heard horror stories from my clients about treatment that’s clearly illegal and in some cases, a first degree felony (18 years in prison) when they’ve been hospitalized. Spouses have been denied any access to their loved one. Clients who have been severely overmedicated. Psychiatrist who, upon being told the med my client was taking wasn’t working, told my client she wouldn’t be let out of the hospital until she was med compliant. Ain’t no way anyone is going to let an attorney onto the psych ward. So I decided to save $850 and not go to the hospital. 

There’s a dedicated mental hospital in town, but ….you’ll love this… you can’t get admitted unless you have a mental illness and a chemical addiction or a mental illness and you’re a drunk. Plus what I know about that hospital is enough to convince me never to go there. For anything. A psychiatrist there, who hadn’t seen my client in years, wrote a deliberately inaccurate report designed to ensure my client couldn’t get into a psych ward anywhere in the state. You get to learn a whole lot about mental health mistreatment when you’re a criminal defense attorney and work for the public defender department. 

We have a psych triage center in town – adjacent to the jail – that was completed in 2013. It still hasn’t opened. Dust bunnies are treated there. The county manager, who no one should ever trust, is doing a sweetheart deal with a provider in Arizona. Someday, maybe, the contract will be approved. Then it will take time to hire staff. Or ship staff in from Arizona. What’s a sweetheart deal without kickbacks? 

There’s a decent psych ward in a teaching hospital in El Paso. That would be the same El Paso with the 10 refrigerator trucks acting as temporary morgues. I could go there, but I’d need prior authorization and an act of God to get the HMO to pay because if I go out of town for any medical care, I need prior authorization. If I went to the hospital in El Paso, I could have a foot long tube shoved down my throat to help me breath while I wait for covid to kill me. 

And so I’m researching ketamine therapy. There are a couple clinics in town, but I don’t know if they take my insurance. No, I don’t want to have to pay $15K+ for ketamine therapy. I looked at ECT (formerly electric shock treatment) and rejected that idea. It’s rare that it does any good for anyone; the side effects are horrendous and often permanent. I looked at transcranial magnetic stimulation. It may work for depression and chronic pain (no idea why it would work for both), but it’s a horrible choice for someone who is bipolar. As in it makes the bipolar disorder worse. Ketamine looks like it would be an effective choice for me. I can’t do anything until Monday, and I have my zoom session with my psychologist on Monday. Jim wants me to ask my psychologist about ketamine before I do anything. I’d buy ketamine on the street, but I don’t know where to get it and there’s no telling what you’re getting when you buy drugs on the street. 

I could get better medical care in a halfway decent Third World country.

I began the week with food poisoning. One day, there was the most interesting light outside. Ordinarily, I’d walk to the back of the yard and photograph the mountains. I got as far as the patio. 

I wanted more photos, but I didn’t have the energy to walk around. So I shot through the bathroom window. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman