Month: February 2021

Posted in anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Photography

Still In Crisis

Posted on by debthumanblog

I had a massive depressive episode on 2/19/21. I had to go up on my med dosages in order to be able to stop crying. After three days, I had to return to my usual dosages because I was becoming a zombie. That led to another massive depressive episode on Thursday. After making sure Jim could drive me to my appointments on Friday, I went back up on the dosages. Friday morning, I had to force myself to take my meds. I knew I was over medicated, but I thought if I didn’t continue on the higher dosage, I wouldn’t be able to stop crying. I was incapable of driving. I couldn’t understand the instructions for filling out the forms for sending something certified mail, return receipt requested. I tried to read about the latest upgrade to Affinity Photo, but I couldn’t understand anything that I read. My brain did not work. Frustrating and terrifying.

On Friday, I met with the anesthesiologist at a local pain clinic that uses ketamine. I can’t live like a zombie. I need my brain. I can’t function if I can’t stop crying. I went back to my usual dosages today. My appointment for using ketamine is in two weeks. I may have to spend the next two weeks crying. Already, and it has been less than 12 hours, I’m irritable and unable to control myself.

I wanted to try working on a quilt today. The theory was I’d feel better if I made some art. Except I couldn’t. I was measuring different widths for a border. I think I found a width that works, but I don’t trust myself to be able to cut strips the right length and width. So much for working on a quilt.

I tried to do a little photography thinking that would cheer me up. It probably would have if Affinity weren’t the absolute worst photo editing program. Turns out a whole lot of people are having the problem I’m having with this latest upgrade – I can’t save a photo to the desktop or anywhere else and I can’t export a photo to the desktop or anywhere else. I sent an email to “customer service” but I don’t expect an answer back from them in less than a month. I tried looking for YouTube videos to explain how to save and export in the latest version. No luck. The Affinity videos are confusing and overly complicated. Just tell me how I can export the photos to my desktop like I’ve been doing for the last several years. There are lots of questions about this lack of ability to export or save on the forum, but no answers. Any company that offers real customer service, with people whose native language is English, who don’t try to hide the fact that I’m calling someplace in India, is going to be wildly successful and profitable. Apparently customer service is now on part with quality control. Not much of either.

I tried doing a bit of experimenting with deliberate motion.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop with all my fabric designs is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Uncategorized

It’s Dark And I Can’t Find The Light

Posted on by debthumanblog

Mental illness and a pandemic is a rough combination. I thought I was going to have to be hospitalized Friday. It was bad enough I had Jim call the HMO and the hospital. I watched a cooking show by one of my favorite chefs Saturday and my mood brightened…..then slowly sank. It’s hard to explain what happened. I started crying on Friday and could not stop. I added an extra mood stabilizer and doubled my antidepressant. My doctor knows I do this. The problem is finding a dose high enough to keep me stable yet low enough that I don’t turn into a zombie. This is common with psych meds. I still couldn’t stop crying. I don’t do well with customer service under the best of conditions and for some reason, the HMO won’t ever give me an accurate answer. They only give Jim an accurate answer. So Jim spent quality time on the phone with me telling him what to ask. 

To get to the only psych ward in the county, I’d have to go to the ER. If I have severe abdominal pain and I go to the ER, the copay is $250. If I have severe mental illness and go to the ER, the copay is $500. Plus there’s a $350 deductible that has to be paid. $850, and all that gets me is an expensive quick eval. But wait! I don’t get that until I have prior authorization from the HMO. Translated: make sure I know at least a month in advance if I’m going to be suicidal. Per the HMO, the hospital starts the prior authorization. If the HMO denies authorization, I’m stuck paying several thousand dollars out of pocket. I’m not suicidal, thank you God so I likely wouldn’t be admitted. We’re having a little covid crisis here. And a lack of vaccine. Plus, I’ve heard horror stories from my clients about treatment that’s clearly illegal and in some cases, a first degree felony (18 years in prison) when they’ve been hospitalized. Spouses have been denied any access to their loved one. Clients who have been severely overmedicated. Psychiatrist who, upon being told the med my client was taking wasn’t working, told my client she wouldn’t be let out of the hospital until she was med compliant. Ain’t no way anyone is going to let an attorney onto the psych ward. So I decided to save $850 and not go to the hospital. 

There’s a dedicated mental hospital in town, but ….you’ll love this… you can’t get admitted unless you have a mental illness and a chemical addiction or a mental illness and you’re a drunk. Plus what I know about that hospital is enough to convince me never to go there. For anything. A psychiatrist there, who hadn’t seen my client in years, wrote a deliberately inaccurate report designed to ensure my client couldn’t get into a psych ward anywhere in the state. You get to learn a whole lot about mental health mistreatment when you’re a criminal defense attorney and work for the public defender department. 

We have a psych triage center in town – adjacent to the jail – that was completed in 2013. It still hasn’t opened. Dust bunnies are treated there. The county manager, who no one should ever trust, is doing a sweetheart deal with a provider in Arizona. Someday, maybe, the contract will be approved. Then it will take time to hire staff. Or ship staff in from Arizona. What’s a sweetheart deal without kickbacks? 

There’s a decent psych ward in a teaching hospital in El Paso. That would be the same El Paso with the 10 refrigerator trucks acting as temporary morgues. I could go there, but I’d need prior authorization and an act of God to get the HMO to pay because if I go out of town for any medical care, I need prior authorization. If I went to the hospital in El Paso, I could have a foot long tube shoved down my throat to help me breath while I wait for covid to kill me. 

And so I’m researching ketamine therapy. There are a couple clinics in town, but I don’t know if they take my insurance. No, I don’t want to have to pay $15K+ for ketamine therapy. I looked at ECT (formerly electric shock treatment) and rejected that idea. It’s rare that it does any good for anyone; the side effects are horrendous and often permanent. I looked at transcranial magnetic stimulation. It may work for depression and chronic pain (no idea why it would work for both), but it’s a horrible choice for someone who is bipolar. As in it makes the bipolar disorder worse. Ketamine looks like it would be an effective choice for me. I can’t do anything until Monday, and I have my zoom session with my psychologist on Monday. Jim wants me to ask my psychologist about ketamine before I do anything. I’d buy ketamine on the street, but I don’t know where to get it and there’s no telling what you’re getting when you buy drugs on the street. 

I could get better medical care in a halfway decent Third World country.

I began the week with food poisoning. One day, there was the most interesting light outside. Ordinarily, I’d walk to the back of the yard and photograph the mountains. I got as far as the patio. 

I wanted more photos, but I didn’t have the energy to walk around. So I shot through the bathroom window. 

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art, is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

My Spoonflower shop is here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

Posted in Depression, Fiber, Photography

Depression. Cataracts. Quilts. Photography

Posted on by debthumanblog

I have cataracts and need the surgery. I can’t see close up. I’m having problems with distance. I can’t do much sewing. And I’m high risk. I’m extremely nearsighted – can’t see the E on the top of the eye chart. I also have issues with the retina in my right eye. I was told several years back that if I have cataract surgery, I have a 25% chance of the retina in my right eye detaching. And so the last couple days, I was severely depressed. I tried art therapy and went outside to do some photography. Except this time of year, the desert is brown and dead. 

These are new leaves on a Mexican bird of paradise bush.

I’m not sure if I like this shot. I had to remove a few offending twigs, and I can see where they used to be.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a seed pod.

Today, I discovered I can sew if I wear my computer glasses. At least I could finish the quilting on this one. I haven’t decided if I want landscape or portrait orientation. I also haven’t decided how much of the white border to keep. I don’t want binding to cover any of the quilting. This is a photo I took, manipulated, and has Spoonflower print. Because I wanted to turn this photo into a quilt, the design isn’t in my Spoonflower shop. Plenty of other designs are there, though. You will find them here: https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/deb_thuman

I didn’t notice that shadow until I started editing the photos.

I’m making progress on the depression quilt. I’ve figured out the fabric combination. Now, I need to figure out how wide a border I want.

I’m linking with Nina Marie here: http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

My store, Deb Thuman Art is here: http://www.DebThumanArt.com

Posted in bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber

Looking For Center And I Can’t See

Posted on by debthumanblog

I’ve known for years that I have cataracts. At my age, everyone has cataracts. I’ve also known for years that because edged of the retina in my right eye being glued down with a laser twice, I’m at a high risk for having that retina completely detach. Because I’m severely nearsighted, I can’t see the E on the top of the eye chart, cataract surgery is high risk for something going wrong surgery.  For years, my eye doctor has been tweaking my prescription so I could put off cataract surgery for as long as possible. I get to see well for a few months, than my vision gradually gets worse until after six months I can’t read street name signs and it’s harder to see close up. Naturally, my vision insurance will only pay for one eye exam a year, one pair of lenses a year, and a pair off cheap frames every other year. 

This week, I discovered I can no longer see close up for more than about 20 minutes. After that, whatever I’m looking at is a blur and everything I look at will be a blur for about a half hour. I’m having difficulty reading. E-mail. My text book. Anything where I can’t get the text size increased significantly. After much mis-information from my HMO, I had Jim call. For some reason, he gets accurate answers. I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist next month. Maybe there’s a way I can have the surgery I need without going blind. 

I had said I wasn’t going to have cataract surgery until I needed a dog. Last week, I sent in an application and deposit on a future Labradoodle puppy. The breeder thinks that she’ll have a litter ready for permanent homes in the fall. First, the doodle dog gets puppy training. Don’t pee on the rug. Don’t eat the furniture. The cats are not chew toys. And later, the doodle dog gets trained to be a psychiatric service dog for me. 

I can only sew for brief periods of time. I’m working on some echo quilting, and I had to stop. I know I’m not going to remember the settings on the sewing machine. So I used my phone to take a photo of the settings.

I’ve been battling depression lately, and I decided that if I can’t see to quilt, I can see to pick out fabric. Nothing really jumped out as the perfect combination, so I laid the possibilities on my sewing table yesterday. In another day or so, I’ll look at the selections again. Maybe one of the choices will be right.  

As for the depression, I’m above suicidal but well below center. I’ve had my psych meds tweaked and tweaked and tweaked. The ideal is to have a high enough dose that I stay stable, and a low enough dose to keep from being a zombie. I’m not screaming and I’m not suicidal, but I’d like to have more stability than that. 

Posted in bipolar disorder, Depression, Emotions, Suicide

Open The Door, Shut Your Mouth, and Listen

Posted on by debthumanblog

What I’d like to say: Listen you stupid motherfucker…… except that wouldn’t be productive. I offered to do a talk about suicide complete with a power point of my quilts about suicide. I got a return email saying that given the situation with covid, talking about suicide wouldn’t be a good idea but are there other quilts I’d like to talk about.

No, asshole – it would be a wonderful idea. New Mexico has the highest suicide rate in the country and part of the reason for that is no one wants to talk about suicide. Then they all crap their pants and wonder what went wrong when they have to bury a loved one who just blew his brains out. Someone I knew would likely be alive today if people had talked about suicide. If people admitted depression isn’t a moral failure. If people admitted asking for help isn’t indicative of weakness. It’s been two years since his suicide, and I’m still torn apart inside.

My quilts have been pretty dark the last three years. They have been about suicide, mass shooting, and isolation. Art is how I understand my dark emotions. None of my quilts are cheery topics. Life isn’t always cheery and anyone who expects life to be cheery is going to be disappointed. I rarely make pretty quilts. You want pretty? Go to Walmart. Lots of unoffensive, unthought provoking, sofa matching art there.

It isn’t easy being mentally ill. It’s even harder when people refuse to listen. But what do I know? I’m just the crazy woman and I need to be treated like a two-year-old. If I were smart, I wouldn’t be bipolar. Maybe the proper response really is: Listen you stupid motherfucker….